I am so excited I purchased a year of the Photography plan for Photoshop & Lightroom. I have never used Lightroom before but love using Photoshop. I really want to get back into photography since I have a perfectly good camera sitting on a shelf at home doing nothing. A Cannon Rebel T5 DSLR. Which I bought 2 or 3 years ago now. I’m even still paying on it and it has been sitting in my closet. What a waste. Time to get some use out of it and maybe concentrate on something other then diabetes.

So to help with that I purchased an annual plan that includes Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, Lightroom Classic CC and 20GB of cloud storage which I really don’t need but why not since it comes with it. I am so excited to play around with it and do some tutorials and such. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know! I used to spend hours playing around with Photoshop.

I miss spending hours on my website and designing and just playing around. I need something to distract me so this seemed like a good plan. I know Edward was a little more cautious about it because for us it’s a bit of money to fork out right now but honestly it’s only $15 a month ($180/year) but I so badly wanted it. I downloaded yesterday evening and have been playing with it ever since

Trapped under ice

Ever wonder what you are doing on the earth? Like, what your purpose in life is? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel so much like something is missing. Like I am not living up to my full potential and that there is something more that I need to do.

I can’t help but wonder what it is. Does everyone think like this? Am I the only one? Sometimes I feel like I just have so many questions. I have been thinking a lot about people in my life that are no longer in my life. I don’t mean ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, or people I have known briefly. I mean my friends and family who have lived and died.

I don’t know why I am thinking about death all of a sudden. I just wonder why some people live long lives but don’t really seem to affect anyone other then their close friends and family and why others are taken from us too suddenly. Why were their lives cut short? Did they reach their purpose? Is that why they are gone?

Then I wonder about myself. I feel like I have some further purpose that I have yet to figure out and it stumps me. I can’t help but feel that I was meant for more then just working in a call center for the rest of my life.

I can not get up the courage to go to the bank though and ask about a student loan to go back to school. I am so scared of being rejected. My history with the subject of money and loans has not been that great.

I got a loan to go to go back to school a few years after graduating high school and I was never able to pay it back, part of the reason I declared bankruptcy a few years ago. I had other dept as well. I had a car that I had a year before getting into a bad accident, getting hurt and totaling the car. I was left with thousands of dollars on a car loan that I no longer even had the car. My insurance did not cover it all.

I took web design and internet publishing sometime around 2001 or 2002. I finished it but really had very little interest in pursuing it as a career at the time, still don’t. I enjoy blogging but I hate trying to put something together for someone else. I just don’t feel like that was what I was meant to do either.

I did it, took the course that is, because my parents pushed me to do something. I was at home, I was suffering really bad from anxiety and depression and they wanted me to have something to occupy my mind, to give me something to do. So I decided to go into web design because at the time I enjoyed it. That got old fast though and I just did not enjoy it the way I thought I would. 

Now years later I am questioning everything I have ever done. I have never held a job that I really love. Even the one I am in now. I enjoy it, and it is close to what I want but not fully. It just does not feel like it’s what I want to do for ever either.

Thinking about friends and family members who have lost their lives early it makes be uncomfortable thinking that I am just wasting time. Time that it seems I have so little of in the great scheme of things. Everyone is allotted time and it seems like most don’t know how much time they have. How could you really? Maybe some do, who knows…

All I know is I feel like I should be moving towards something else. I want so bad to have kids and to work with kids. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel that like my parents one of my “callings” is to take in and love and teach and be a parent to a child who may not have a chance otherwise.

I really am thinking that I was meant to foster a child or adopt a child. Cory does not agree or disagree. He just seems impassive about it, as he is with so much else right now. It concerns me. I love him and am concerned sometimes that he has just given up or is just not as passionate as I am. Or maybe he just has not figured it all out yet either.

I really need to figure some things out. I know what I want. I just have not figured out how to get myself there yet. I have such a hard time getting motivated. I feel its the same with Cory. I need to push us both. But how do you push someone else when you can’t even push yourself?

It feels kinda like being trapped under ice, you can see the hole for air but you are having such a hard time getting there to get any.

What’s in a name?

I have to admit I am being lazy and writing up some of my blog posts ahead of time right now. So that I do not fall back into the rut of not posting for weeks, and this is one of them. C’est La Vie! So, what’s in a name? By this I mean A Story About A Girl or I feel like giving a bit of a back history about the domain name, my blogging and whatever else I can think of related to this.

If you have read my about section then you may already know that the name is based off of an Our Lady Peace (OLP) song called Story About A Girl off of their Gravity album. If you want to check out some of their songs you can check out their iTunes page.

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