I used to love getting in the shower when no one was home. It meant I could take as long as I wanted and just stand there under the hot water as it cascaded over me. It felt like I had all the time in the world. I would even get up early to spend an extra 5 minutes in the shower. Not very Eco friendly I know but it felt like a necessity before a long day. Not anymore.
I kinda feel like I am taking my life into my hands every time I try and get in or out of the tub. Even just moving around in the shower. I’m not sure if it is the heat. I like my showers hot. Or maybe it’s the steam. Whatever it is, now it’s spin city. I seriously am afraid of falling and getting hurt. It makes me anxious and I don’t enjoy the hot water as much. I even tried cooler water today, to see if it made a difference. Think of all the times as a kid (or even adult) when you would take that cool shower before getting into a pool. Or the feeling of the cool water on your skin as you jump in. I used to love water. I will remember tomorrow to get my shower before Cory leaves for work.
I’m missing work already. Only so much TV you can handle. Especially when it hurts your ears. Although having a headset on listening to someone extremely frustrated because they don’t understand what you want them to do (I work as a tech support agent in a call centre). They like to yell and raise their voice… not that it gets you anywhere.
I seem to be doing a bit better today. I got sick before I even got anything to eat. Mornings seem to be a bit worse when it comes to the spinning (vertigo) and nausea. I’m not eating till later in the day cause my stomach seems to handle it a bit better. I can’t wait till Friday. Wouldn’t it be nice if they can do a few things and cure it right then and there. Chances are it will come back but still… you can always hope right?
Doing household chores are hard. I feel okay sitting down now for the most part, so I get up and then almost immediately I have to grab onto something to stop from falling flat on my face. Sometimes I’m absolutely fine. It’s better then a few days ago when I couldn’t even get off the couch. But it’s still frustrating.
On the plus side, I registered storyboutagirl.org again, Network Solutions has a $0.75 domain sale! And it’s $0.99/month to have web forwarding to redirect it to here. Hopefully it’ll work okay. It’s been a while since I owned any domains. I let them go a year or two ago. For now I am just going to use WordPress.com and premade templates but I might get some paypal gift certificates through my Swagbucks account and start designing again if I find I have a lot of time on my hands.
Ever feel like your life isn’t your own? Like someone else is controlling it? Deciding your fate… And what happens to you. I know it wasn’t what was intended but that’s how I feel. I feel like my world is so small. I want more then anything to open that world up. I want to go to school. I want to make something of my life. I want more then anything to learn. I don’t know why but I just feel so stupid. I don’t mean in the way you probably think I do. I know I’m not stupid. I know I can learn. But I was never very good in school. But I loved it to a point. I loved learning. But I don’t really have an education beyond high school. Yes I took Web Design and have a diploma in it. But it’s useless and I don’t even like doing it. It was in one way the best thing I ever did and yet the worst thing.
Everyone says to me “just go back to school”. That’s much easier said then done. I have a student loan that is in collections. I have no money to go back to school. I embarrassed to admit it even. My family doesn’t talk about money. It’s “not right”. It’s fucking annoying. No one will talk to me. I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. Everything feels like it’s spiraling out of control. I feel like a complete idiot at times. I know I can do it. I just don’t know how. I know it’s one step at a time. But god dammit what steps do I take first. How do I decide what to do first. There just seems like so much. I’m so tired of it. I’m made to feel like my life is nothing. Not worth anything to anyone. Why should it mean anything to me? I’m tired of feeling like I’m second rate. And not important. I have feelings too. I know I made some bad choices. I know I messed up. But I don’t want to feel it’s all my fault that my world is so small. Even if it is or isn’t my fault. I’m trying.
I’m sorry I know this sounds like maybe it’s generated to one or two people in particular. It’s not. It is some people in specific but also some people who don’t really even know me. And really no one means to make me feel this way. So I don’t blame them. In the end I know it’s mainly my own fault. Or maybe all my own fault. I don’t want to put the blame completely on myself. I get the feeling people think I’m to hard on myself. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know. It’s all I’ve ever known. That’s not my fault… Or is it? I don’t know… I just don’t know how to deal with it.
I really want to say more but I’m tired and hot, the humidity is killing me. And I’m just scared I’ll say something I’ll regret if I haven’t already. I kinda feel like this is useless. I’ll just make someone mad probably. It’s not my intention. And I know it wasn’t yours…