School & Other Things

I finally heard back from my bank, they couldn’t approve a student line of credit, which to be honest I expected due to our car payments, rent and what we make. I should have a better chance with a government student loan I think. I finished my application for that the other day and am just in the process of waiting now. I am set to start on June 1st. I spoke to someone in financing at the university and filled out the enrollment in the classes, I am going to start out taking 3 classes the first semester online. If my student loan falls through for some reason I have been told I can drop two of the classes if I still want to do some schooling and just pay for the one class at a time. So at least I have a fall back if everything else fails because one course at a time money wise we can handle and then I can reassess on finances and loans/lines of credits again later on.

In the meantime, I have registered online for Khan Academy which is a really good online tutoring/education site so that I can brush up on things like high school, and early university math, grammar, computing, etc. Math is my week spot and always has been but I love how you have everything from kindergarten to university level stuff on Khan Academy all free (no this is not sponsored, I just really like the site). I feel like I need some brushing up on basic math concepts and things like that and I have a few months before I’m supposed to start school.


I mentioned a while back I got a new laptop for myself for Christmas, a touch screen 2-in-1 that functions as a tablet as well. It came with a pen that I could not get to work and later found out was actually the wrong pen for the laptop. I found the one above on Amazon.ca and it had great reviews and works on any touch screen so I decided to try it. I had an Adonit Jot Mini 3 before and loved it. Eventually, I want a Wacom tablet but for now, I figure this would be a good start. Got them in the mail yesterday (2 pens for less than one Adonit Jot Mini) and we’ve been playing with them. I took the pink and Eddie the black. I love it. I just realized something though. I’ve forgotten how to draw. I don’t even know where to begin and I’ve never drawn digitally really I used the old pen more for handwriting things than drawing. Still, though I am excited to keep trying and excited to have the pens. Eddie loves to draw so even if I get nothing out of it I still consider it a win. I want him to draw something for me I can put on here

Sims 4 – Cats & Dogs

I did up our tax returns this past Tuesday and because we have both only been working part-time and because I spent over half the year technically unemployed, along with the over $2000 I spent in medication this year and diabetic supplies we are getting a hefty amount back, that plus I got approved for EI and also got from December 22nd to now all at once. Somehow once again we managed to avoid a sticky situation as we were concerned financially when I ended up unemployed again. We are going to be able to be back to owing nothing at all except the car (even the credit card will be paid in full) once we get it. Edward also is getting cross-trained in another position, that coupled with me working until I start school we are back in decent shape again and even can start on our savings again. Talk about relief!

So we decided to treat ourselves, he got Red Dead Redemption 2 and I got a bundle for the Sims 4 of Cats & Dogs, Realm of Magic and Backyard Stuff. I had previously purchased Get to Work and Tiny Living for Christmas and never really played with the content and worlds in either yet. I also have some others like Island Living, Seasons, Outdoor Retreat and some of stuff packs. So needless to say I have tons of new content to explore in the Sims 4. I have been a huge Sims fan since the original The Sims back in 2000. I can’t believe it’s been 20 years! Wow, I feel old. I was only 19 when it came out! And I have been hooked on the franchise ever since. I played SimCity as well before The Sims. I think I started with SimCity 2000. Anyways, enough history, I have been playing since I bought the expansion packs yesterday and it is so much fun. I have really only been playing in Brindleton Bay and with the cats. I have not really gone into any of the Realm of Magic stuff yet. I will save that maybe for another day.

I made myself a tiny house last night, a micro actually, 32 x 32 and decorated it. I did base it off a house I tried downloading and using from the gallery that I really liked, but for some reason my Sim had issues moving around the house even though I had the move objects cheat on and I even moved some of the furniture around and tried to get it to work. Finally, I gave up and sort of rebuilt it, sort of made it my own. I love to build but I am not very great with ideas. I do like to try and re-create micro and tiny houses from real house plans and decorate them. They don’t always turn out the way I want though. Just need more practice building I guess. I now have a bit more than half the expansion packs, game packs and stuff packs for Sims 4 now. I don’t want to even think about the amount I have spent on them over the years (we won’t even talk about The Sims or Sims 3, didn’t get into Sims 2 much).

I’ve never really been one to make up an elaborate storyline and record or do much other than play but I wouldn’t mind doing a bit of that, maybe some of the challenges people have come up with as well. The only mod installed right now is the one that stops the damn murphy bed from picking off my Sims one by one. It’s killed so many Sims it’s not funny. So I was glad when I saw the mod. I am going to look for some more mods and cc (custom content) at some point but for right now I am just enjoying what the game itself has to offer with each expansion pack.

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Things my anxiety keeps me from doing

Anxiety and therapy

I’ve been in therapy for about a month now and I am finding it really beneficial. I might write a bit more about therapy later however I wanted to do a post on something that my psychologist asked me to do the other day. I was mentioning to her that I have found over the last few years, and especially recently that my anxiety feels like a roadblock or mountain sometimes when it comes to doing certain things that either I used to love doing or that I want to try. We talked about it for a while and she asked me to make a list to bring in for my next session of things that my anxiety has either prevented me from doing or stopped me from trying and I thought it was a great idea and would also make a good blog post as well.

She knows I blog, its something I told her right up front on our first session and she was really happy to hear that I blog and she mentioned in the last session as well that she thought it would be a good idea if I wanted to post it on my blog so I can keep a record of the things as I mentioned I am at a point right now where I really want to push through some of these fears and anxieties and give these things a try again or for the first time. We both figured it would be something very therapeutic for me to not only blog the list but also blog each step of tackling the list and the results so that in years to come I can reflect back on it if needed.

I had mentioned to her about going back through some of my old posts from some of my darker times and reading them and some of the posts since then to see how far I’ve come along over the years as well as remind myself that if I have been able to overcome all this before and live a life almost without depression or anxiety for a number of years that it is possible that I might be able to get to that point again with or without medications and give me a goal to look forward to and achieve.

1. Returning to school

One of the first things I would like to tackle and actually already am in the process of doing before even deciding to make this list, but that I am going to include is going back to school. It’s something I have wanted to do for a long long time. Before Eddie and I even got together. I have been wanting to do it so bad but I have been so anxious about the application process, funding and mostly the work itself and how I would be able to handle it, that I have literally been sitting on this for over 10 years letting it fester and annoy and confuse me. Everything that happened over this past 2 months has actually been a mixed blessing in disguise and has pushed me outside my comfort zone so much that making the decision and starting the process to act on it has been almost easy

I am applying as soon as my tax return money comes in, which I filed tonight. I’ve had a bit of an issue saving up the money but then earlier today I filed our taxes and realized I will have enough to apply from it. I netfiled our taxes so we should have the money direct deposited within two weeks. My EI for the last few months has been approved as well and backdated so that should help out. I am still having a lot of anxiety over the process of applying for the student loan/line of credit and also with doing some of the other things I need to do before I apply and have been putting them off. I need to update my name on my Alberta student ID account and Revenue Canada. So these things have been getting in the way some but I am determined to get them done before the end of the week. Goals.

2. Going skiing again

I have loved skiing ever since I was about 5. We used to go all the time in Europe and in Calgary when we lived there. I have also gone here as we have a ski hill about an hour away. I so badly wanted to go this year and though finances have been a big reason for not going and time to go as well has been an obstacle I think if I am absolutely honest with myself the biggest hurdle for me has been anxiety. Mostly about the shape my body is in, and by that, I don’t mean my size. I am not worried about that what I am referring to is the pain I am always in and the fact I get hurt fairly easily.

I missed my chance this year but I want to use the summer to get into a bit better shape, again not meaning losing weight so much as just building up my strength and endurance. Losing weight would just be an added bonus at this point as I have already lost some. One of the things that terrifies me the most about skiing is falling. I remember some of the falls and just getting up and shaking it off and I am scared that I won’t be able to do that now. What if I break something or end up back on crutches again? The hip injury I had the summer before last weighs heavily on my mind and makes me anxious. I think I am scared more over the fact that I will go and not be able to do it then not trying at all. I just don’t want that type of anxiety and fear to stop me from doing the things I love or trying new things.

3. Go river tubing

One thing I have always wanted to do but have always been really anxious about doing is going tubing on the Gaspereau River. We planned it last summer but because of my anxiety we never ended up going. I love the water. I love swimming and am not scared of the water and actually I kind of technically have gone tubing this past September on the Annapolis River but not really in the way that I mean. Tubing on the Gaspereau river you actually tube down the river on the tube quite a ways. What makes me anxious the most is the same thing I really had to overcome this past fall and really didn’t resulting in a kind of hilarious fail which I am now anxious about repeating

I am absolutely terrified of spiders and this fall I participated in a community race at Ciderfest in Bridgetown where we got into tubes off of a dock in the river and then using oars had to use them to get across the river to the other side, around a buoy and back to the dock. My anxiety at doing this is so high because the docks are full of dock spiders which are huge typically and the spiders tend to crawl all over the tubes. I managed to do it and get on and go all the way around the buoy and back (in last place) but not before trying to avoid the edge of the dock and jump on the tube, which resulted in me bouncing off it and landing in the frigid water in my clothes (it was the middle of September, a rather cold one at that).

Tubing the Gaspereau would be different and I am not really sure where we would get on the tubes and if there would be lots of spiders, but it still makes me so anxious just thinking about it, however, I can’t get it out of my mind and want to do it so bad. I am a bit scared and anxious about the water as well, I am told it is gentle but very murky and muddy which the Annapolis River was as well and I didn’t like that part much. I am absolutely determined I am going to do it.

4. Horseback riding

I used to horseback ride when I was younger and we lived in Germany and I enjoyed being around horses when we lived in Calgary though I didn’t ride as much, mostly just going to horse shows at Spruce Meadows. I really have been wanting to go horseback riding again. I would love to go on a trail ride. As much as it is something I really want to do anxiety (and weight) has kept me from doing it. Again it comes back to being anxious about failing, about not being able to get onto the horse or even worse falling off it Even though I am so much bigger (as in from a child to adult) then I was when I was a kid for some reason now horses seem so much bigger to me now then they did then. I am also anxious about getting kicked or hurt or stepped on. I am not sure my exact weight right now but I will have to look into finding places around to ride and see what their weight limit is and set it as a goal over the summer and maybe try and go riding in the fall.

5. Mud sliding

One thing Nova Scotia is known for is our tides and our sense of adventure and fun. Ever since I can remember, ever since I was a kid visiting here from other places, I have always wanted to go mud sliding. One of the best places to go is the Shubenacadie River. The tidal bores are pretty unique and when the tide goes out the muddy river banks make perfect places to go mud sliding. This is something I really want to do but at the same time, it really fills me with anxiety for a few reasons. The first one’s kind of dumb but basically I am anxious about ruining my clothes, the mud stains. Just wear old clothes right? Easy enough, except it still fills me with anxiety, I have no idea why. Secondly and a bit more of an actual problem is unless you do a full zodiak tidal bore tour and mud slide with them then really you have no access to a shower and well you need a car to get there and I have a brand new car (2019) and my anxiety goes through the roof when I think of all the mud in my car.

Obviously even someone without anxiety would feel the same but there is more to it than just the car and clothes. I am anxious about the tides even though I know you have to time it right and it’s not actually an issue but in my mind it is. I also am anxious about sliding down the bank and into a river that I might not know how deep it is or how fast-flowing, etc. Again, it’s not really an issue because you would not just go anywhere. You would go in certain places where everyone goes and you likely would not be alone as on a hot day the place would have tons of people, which for me causes some anxiety in itself. The whole bathing suit in public thing. Last year couldn’t care less but lately, I am getting more and more self-conscious at the idea which is weird because I never used to be.

No matter what I am determined that I am going to accomplish these things over the next year or two. I really feel like the only way to overcome the anxiety and fears is to confront it head-on and jump in feet first, carefully and safely obviously but still, just do it. Now, I’m at risk of sounding like a Nike commercial

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