A Story About A Girl

What about love…

Ok so looking back on the last few posts I realized something. I do know one thing that has really been bothering me. I just don’t want to admit it. This could come out wrong. And it might make things worse for me not better. But I need to say it anyways.

Ok so one thing really bothering me… it’s an image most girls (women, I have a hell of a time thinking of myself as a woman… not gonna analyze that one) my age are trying to get away from. But what do I want more then anything in life? A career? No. An education? A priority yes but not the top of the list one. What I want is a family. I want marriage, kids, the whole works. I know I’ve mention this before in some way or another. And I know it’s not something that’ll happen anytime soon. But I don’t feel like it’ll ever happen. I don’t want to marry someone unless I have known them a long time and love them so much I can’t be without them. And to me that kinda love seems like something that has to grow upon.

Sure I believe in love at first sight. Oddly enough I do. But I think it would be something that would take years to come about (marriage). I’m 25 now. I always envisioned myself with kids and a family at the same age as my mom. I passed that already. By the time it happens. If it happens. Well it just feels like it wont. And I have been told by just about “everyone” not to hurry it. I have my whole life ahead of me. So why do I feel the need so bad right now? Is it just that I want to be loved so much I’ll take it anyway it’s delivered. Good or bad. And yes there is bad love. Loving someone who treats you like shit for example. I’ve been there. I’m sure lots of people have. But I just wanted to be loved so bad and to love so bad I didn’t care. [...]  READ MORE

why does no one listen to me?

I think I may have finaly gotten my point through. That putting me. A 25 year old female just starting her “adult life” (or any other girl or even guy for that matter that is younger then 25) in a group of mostly women who are all over 35 most going through divorse and divorse being a large topic in the group. You can’t put someone who’s still feeling out realationships and dating and shit in that group! They don’t realize how much it has destroyed my faith in marriage, and realationships in general. I feel like I got nothing out of that group. They wanted me to participate more. But what was the point. The people in that group have no fucking idea what I’m going through right now. As I have no fucking idea what they are going through. We’re in a totally different place in the world. My mom is pissed. She says it wasn’t fair and wasn’t right and that it’s not fair I get “punished” by Jacqueline for not participating in something that was making me come home feeling like it just wasn’t worth the effort because I’d end up in the same place in 20 years. When it comes to depression you need to do group therapy by age as well as “topic”. I should have been in a group of people closer to my own age who were dealing with issues similar to mine. No matter how trivial they might seem to someone 45 going through divorse or whatever. It wasn’t fair to me. It wasn’t fair to the other people in the group. I left feeling worse then when I started 10 weeks ago.

The only thing good that came from it was I met people who care. Reguardless of the fact that we are dealing with totally different things they care and they feel for me the same as I feel for them. But I can’t really be of much help to them anymore then they can to me. And the other good thing was that I think Terry and Catherine figured out it wasn’t the best thing for me. That it was “their” mistake this time not mine. But how many times do I have to beat my head against the fucking wall before they realize it’s not helping me. Who the fuck other then me would know it’s not helping. If I say it’s not helping. It’s NOT fucking helping me! Why should I be punished for it… Or at least feel like I’m being punished for it. It’s not my fault that nothing is geared towards people 18-25 and 25-35, etc.

I feel kinda let down… [...] 

dating, life, relationships, love, marriage, kids, etc…

*for anyone actually “listening” to me and waiting for this if there is anyone out there sorry took longer then expected…*

Sometimes I have to wonder. Ok so I’ll start not where my point ends but somewhere else (if that makes sense at all – and if not I’ve had a long day and when I look tomorrow I’ll probably say “fuck what shit was that girl on!?!?”). Ok so today I babysat Robyn and Liam most of the day while everyone finished packing the rest of the stuff at Aunt Fernes and moved it to thier new place (which was where I was babysitting and stuff)… Denton was there but he was an absolute dream. He was the best I’ve ever seen him. Maybe I should explain a little there. Denton is my younder brother by about 10 years and 11 months and 20 some odd days. He’s adopted which in itself is nothing to this… He’s my brother the same as if my mom and dad concieves him and don’t ever try and tell me different (i’ve been known to give black eyes for that!).

Anyways because his birth mother (who was nothing more then a child herself and not 100% to blame) drank during pregnancy and not sure what else, possibly just geneology, family medical history, etc.. anyways he has Fetal Alchool Syndrome, Attention Defacit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (I’d really like to meet the person who gave it that name!) and possible (more like probable) brain damage due to unknown circumstances. So he is a 14 year old child. Not young adult at all as far as mentality. More of a 8-9 year old if that. He’s small statured. Not a dwarf or little person (excuse me if I got the name wrong I honestly don’t mean to offend anyone) just small for his age. Academically he’s grade 2 maybe 3. Socially maybe a 8-9 year old. Physically about the same. But age wise again he just turned 14. So as a lot of children and adults with one or more of the conditions, disorders, etc., that I listed he is hyper, moody, sometimes downright bad and defiant and disrupting. But today he was wonderful. Acted more then his age. I was and am very proud. Medication is in part the reason he behaved, but also he just tried really hard to be good. Again I am very proud of him and love him to death. I would give my life for the kid. He’s my little bro  [...]  READ MORE