going of meds

I had a doctors appointment today and all the tests she did came back negative so all them were fine. I had a log talk with my mom and she said something has been bothering you lately what is it. So I told her. I told her the complete truth. That I was tired of the therapy that gets me no where, tired of the doctors prescribing medication after medication that never seem to work. I told her I feel the medications are a huge part of the problem. To my complete surprise she agreed with me. I told her I want off them. I want to go off and stay off for a few months and see. If it doesn’t work I’ll go back on them. So I have an appointment next week. I agreed to stay on them as they are prescribed until the appointment then I’m telling the doctor I want off. That I want her to tell me the safest way to come off them properly. I’m doing it one way or another. I’d rather do it the right way and taper off. So I am going to tell her I need her help to get off them and that I will go back on them if I need to but I want to try without them. Right now I am financially ok. I have nothing pressing in my life that is extremely stressful.

I really honestly think that the medications are the problem. It’s been 5 years that I’ve been on them. It started out as anxiety. I went on medications for that and the medications made me depressed so they added and/or changed medications till it took care of both problems. Then after a while the depression would get worse and they’d up the meds again to combat that and that made the anxiety worse. And so on till I just feel like I’ve been medicated for 5 years for an issue that may have only been short term. Yes I needed them at the time. And yes I could still benefit from therapy which after work settles down a bit I am going to start again. But I want to try no meds for a while and see. How do I know what the problem is if I don’t give it a try. They haven’t really worked. They just make one or the other worse till I increase meds and stabilize a bit then after a few months it happens all over again. So I’ve made the decision and I’m sticking with it. Is it the right one? There’s no way to tell right now. But I have to try. This is my life. And I’m tired of wasting it. Financially right now I should be able to save money, pay off student loans and still have some money left. Instead I’m spending it on anything and everything. To be honest other then clothing I don’t even know what I’m spending money on. I am looking online right now for some info on budgeting and personal financial planning. I called student loans and asked if there was someone I could talk to about repaying a loan that’s in collections.

They are sending me a sheet to fill out. A financial survey and I can call them back and speak to someone (she said that I can go in and speak to someone in person which I prefer) to set up a pay back plan. I’m going to set up a budget sheet and I’m going to “pretend” I’m living on my own and paying rent and phone/cable etc. I’ll just save that money. But that way what I don’t actually really have to pay to someone will be there for me in the future. Tomorrow mom is working and I have the day off so I have to drop Denton off at school and I’ll have the van for the day. All I have to do is make sure I pick him up at lunch drop him back off to school and then pick him up at 2:30 when he’s done. So I’m going to use the day and go to the bank and open a new savings account that’s not attached to my card and I’m going to see if I can either talk to or set up an appointment there with a financial planner or something. Secondly I need to start looking at options for school. I’ve been putting it off. I want to go back to school. So I’m going to go into Ackerly Campus tomorrow and see if I can speak to someone or make an appointment with someone. [...]  READ MORE

much calmer and feeling hopefull

I really seem to be speaking my mind a lot on here lately. It’s nice to have a place to say things and not worry too much what people will think or say. I just wish I had the guts to do it in “real” life. I think maybe I’m making a little progress. I’m still kind of upset about the group but I realize now that some good things came from the group thanks two a few people talking to me about it (thanks guys/gals, you know who you are! I appriciate the help). I talked a lot last night with someone about it and he made me realize that I just need to put it in context (again thanks hun, you know who you are ). Yes it was a mistake on their part to put me in the group but at least I am aware of a few things now. And I will try not to let the bad things be the only things that I see. I’ll put them aside because they don’t happen to everyone and being aware will make me less likely to repeat their mistakes right? I think so.

I did take some good things from the group. And I do plan on redoing it in September but this time I will concentrate on me. Not them. I will help as I can but then set it aside and concentrate on myself. I’m there to help myself. I have an appointment on the 5th of August with Catherine and Terry and I will talk to them about it more then. I want to see if I can see one of them rather then Jacqueline or someone else. Some of the girls agreed with me that if I’m not happy and not comfertable with Jacqueline then there is no point seeing her. Personaly I’d like to forget it all. The Therapy, the meds, the disorders and just be normal. But this is me. So I have to accept it and live with it. I don’t have to like it. But I need to accept and move on in order to get help and maybe one day get off the meds and out of therapy. I realize that there is no “normal”. That everyone has problems in one way or another. That almost everyone has at least one major episode or period in their life of depression.

But I feel like I have had way more then my fair share and I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to be reliant on medication for the rest of my life to be able to deal with the everyday things. I don’t want the “stigma” of being depressed and on anti-depressants. People look at me different when they find out. And since they will find out eventually if they become my friends I figure why hide it. If they can’t accept me for who I am then I don’t want them around. But it does limit the field somewhat. You tell a guy that hasn’t really had to deal with it much and even some who have that you are on anti-depressants and they’re like “no way! see ya”. [...]  READ MORE

dating, life, relationships, love, marriage, kids, etc…

*for anyone actually “listening” to me and waiting for this if there is anyone out there sorry took longer then expected…*

Sometimes I have to wonder. Ok so I’ll start not where my point ends but somewhere else (if that makes sense at all – and if not I’ve had a long day and when I look tomorrow I’ll probably say “fuck what shit was that girl on!?!?”). Ok so today I babysat Robyn and Liam most of the day while everyone finished packing the rest of the stuff at Aunt Fernes and moved it to thier new place (which was where I was babysitting and stuff)… Denton was there but he was an absolute dream. He was the best I’ve ever seen him. Maybe I should explain a little there. Denton is my younder brother by about 10 years and 11 months and 20 some odd days. He’s adopted which in itself is nothing to this… He’s my brother the same as if my mom and dad concieves him and don’t ever try and tell me different (i’ve been known to give black eyes for that!).

Anyways because his birth mother (who was nothing more then a child herself and not 100% to blame) drank during pregnancy and not sure what else, possibly just geneology, family medical history, etc.. anyways he has Fetal Alchool Syndrome, Attention Defacit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (I’d really like to meet the person who gave it that name!) and possible (more like probable) brain damage due to unknown circumstances. So he is a 14 year old child. Not young adult at all as far as mentality. More of a 8-9 year old if that. He’s small statured. Not a dwarf or little person (excuse me if I got the name wrong I honestly don’t mean to offend anyone) just small for his age. Academically he’s grade 2 maybe 3. Socially maybe a 8-9 year old. Physically about the same. But age wise again he just turned 14. So as a lot of children and adults with one or more of the conditions, disorders, etc., that I listed he is hyper, moody, sometimes downright bad and defiant and disrupting. But today he was wonderful. Acted more then his age. I was and am very proud. Medication is in part the reason he behaved, but also he just tried really hard to be good. Again I am very proud of him and love him to death. I would give my life for the kid. He’s my little bro  [...]  READ MORE