Fumbling with her keys Veronica thought long and hard. She’s lived in New Orleans all her life. She’d felt things before but never actually saw them. Sure she’d seen some odd and unusual things but it was New Orleans after all. But today she really felt them and that scared her. She didn’t want to believe. But doing what she does for a living it’s all around. Opening the door she went into her apartment and closed and locked the door behind her. She couldn’t sake the feeling that someone was watching her, following her. She wasn’t scared. She felt protected instead. Like they meant her no harm. Just wanted to make sure she got home ok.

Going to the fridge she pulled out a bottle of water. Walking to the living room she called out “Sam? Are you home?”. No answer. Her roommate must be out for the night. She never tells her were she’s going. Veronica was used to it by now. But she couldn’t help feel responsible for the girl who was 4 years younger and from a smaller parish outside New Orleans. She wasn’t used to the city and didn’t know it the way Veronica did and she felt uneasy not knowing were she was.

It was about midnight and she had to work at Madame Lacour’s from 9-3 tomorrow then she had a tour at St. Louis no. 1 that started at 6 tomorrow evening. She had informed the tourists to be there about 5:45. They’d meet at the front gates. Sam was the other tour guide on that night and would bring up the rear. [...] 

my life as I know it..

I’m absolutely dying for a way to express myself right now. I feel like I have so many pent up emotions and no way to get them out. When I was younger I was quite a good drawer. I won a few contests and was told by numerous art teachers I had an amazing talent. I’ve tried picking up a pencil and just letting it flow but nothing is coming out anymore. It’s like the talent I may (or may not) have had has dried up. I used to do a lot of digital collages and stuff. but I can’t seem to do that much anymore either. I just feel like I’ve lost all that I used to have. I’m not particularly depressed about it. Just disappointed and frustrated. I feel like I have things that are just bottling up with no way out. Words just don’t seem to be enough anymore. I can’t find the words to describe how I’m feeling lately. I feel so muffled and confused. Maybe not muffled. I can’t think of the right word(s). Like life has a haze over it or something. I’ve felt this way so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to feel any other way. I don’t remember being able to think clearly. I don’t remember a month that I had no headaches or pain. I don’t remember a time that I was happy for more then a day or two at a time. I sometimes have to wonder if coming off the medications is the right thing to do? I’m fairly convinced they are the problem. Does that make any sense? Is it possible for anti-depressants to make you depressed?

I talked to a girl at work yesterday. I know her face and talk to her all the time. She’s one of the sprint supervisors or something. Anyways I was microwaving my soup and turned to grab a spoon and suddenly felt sick and dizzy and felt like I was gonna collapse. I musta grabbed the counter or something. She was sitting at a table in the luchroom a few feet from me and we were just talking about work related stuff, and weather, etc. Just polite chit chat type thing. Anyways I suddenly felt like I was gonna pass out and I don’t know what I did/said or whatever but she let out a half scream jumped up and grabbed me and pulled me to a chair. She got some paper towel and wet it in cold water and passed it to me. She asked if I was ok. I said yes I think and just kinda explained about the headaches and neck/back/etc pain and soreness/stiffness. She when white. I asked her what was wrong. She quietly said “my best friend died 3 days ago in alberta… from meningitis”, before she died she had similar symptoms”… That made me think too things. 1) Fuck why did i have to just put her through that! (was the first) and 2nd) (of course) was shit… is that my problem?..

Anyways we talked a bit more about the headaches and she asked if I had any theories on what the causes where. I figured what the hell. Most of the supervisors there now I have some medical type problems and some of the other employees know some stuff. So I told her I was on anti-depressants and that the headaches started roughly 2-3 years ago about the time I was put on the current anti-depressant I was on. I said that I wondered if it was causing or making them worse. Told her I was currently weaning off them. She agreed with me. She said a year ago this time she was about 200lbs and completely depressed (I can remember it too… she was much bigger and she just always looked so sad and down) she said she was on anti-depressants. She found that they had no effect for her so she stopped them. She found that it was very situational for her and that when she got out of it things started to look better and she was now doing pretty good.  [...]  READ MORE

Aunt Marge’s Funeral

Need to take some time and unwhined before bed. Even if I was up at 5am…

Long drive down but we made it there just on time for the funeral after hitting construction about the Berwick area. Funeral was good as far as funerals go (what the hell are you supposed to say about funerals?). Thought more for my own memory more then anything since I forget so easy that I’d write a little about it. Got to the funeral home about 9:40am. We all gathered infront of the Anglican church in Weymouth waiting for the rest of the family/friends and the hearse with Aunt Marge. (Feel free to skip to the next paragraph as the rest of this is names lol) Patsy, Florie, Joey and Rena (her kids) were all there. And all the grand children, great grand children and one great great grand child were there. Then Aunt Maise (her sister) and Uncle Jack (brother) where there. They both were my Nanny’s sisters along with another girl and 2 boys (Dot, Ivan, and Roger). There was Patsy’s two girls who I met Tuesday and some other family I will never remember names of. And a girl that is supposed to be uncle Ivan’s grand daughter from a son he never knew he had (it was explained to me but I can’t remember…). Then there was the my Mom, Dad, Denton and I. Aunt Ferne and her boyfriend Condon (sp?) and Aunt Heather (my mom’s brother Mark’s wife). Uncle Mark had to go to boston for work and couldn’t get out of it. Aunt Marlene had a wedding (which I thought was a poor excuse…) to go to… anyways like you guys care about names. This is mostly for my sake..

The funeral itself was held in the anglican church so she could be buried there with her parents. My Grammy and Grampy (Grammy died when I was 5, Grampy sometime before I came along). They started with a song I have forgotten. Then Nicole (one of Patsy’s daughters) read from the bible or something similar (as you can tell I’m not religious enough to recognize much of what was read). The Rena (who is actually not really her daughter but a girl that Aunt Marge took in and brought up after her parents – well I have no idea what happened to them – and so she brought her up as her own) read something she wrote. You’d have to know the woman (or in my case mostly just grown up with the tales and meeting her a few times) to understand how surprised the family (not close but like grand kids, nefews, nieces, grand nefews and nieces etc..) were by what she said. It was the most touching thing I’ve heard anyone say. Unfortunetly most of it escapes me now but i was impressed. So was everyone. Then they sang Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain then after that was kinda a blur except for Psalms 23 [...]