Doctors appointments & funny story

We traveled to Halifax today for a doctor’s appointment with our family doctor. Of all days today turned out not to be the best day to be on the roads in Nova Scotia. We had a big storm that came through the province today bringing a mess of weather. When we left it was calling for sustained winds of 80km/hour with gusts exceeding 100km/hour, not all that unusual here as we have been seeing more and more high winds, but they are damaging to trees and power lines and buildings. On top of that, we had everything from torrential downpours, higher than normal tides, flooding, slush, snow, ice pellets, and freezing rain and we got to experience it all while driving.

We left about 10 a.m., our appointments were at 2:30 and 2:45 so we could just go in together like we always do, my husband and I. It took us 4 hours driving the old highway all the way to New Minas, stopping at A&W for lunch and then the new highway the rest of the way. It’s usually a 2 1/2 hour drive but we just wanted to take it really slow and take our time. I actually enjoyed the weather. On the way up it started out windy before we left with some rain, by the time we got on the road it was pouring and as we drove up through the valley it would go from rain to ice pellets to freezing rain and back again. It was slushy and slippery but the car (and myself) handled it well.

No word of a lie by the time we were heading back from the doctor’s office around 4 p.m. it looked like the picture above from Halifax past Windsor and into the valley a ways. I asked Edward to get some pictures but as we were driving and the windows were covered in water and ice and the movement of the car they didn’t turn out. So I am using stock photos to give you an idea. It was so beautiful, even if a little hazardous to be driving in. Honestly though, only once or twice did it go through my mind why the hell are we still driving. There were so many people out on the roads. Surprisingly though everyone was going slow and careful. Nova Scotians are not usually known to slow down for the road conditions, something that annoys me so much.

Speaking of things that annoy me, funny story and maybe TMI but something kind of funny happened when we were in A&W that I feel like sharing. At least it was funny to me, if not somewhat annoying. When we got to A&W it surprisingly empty. I had to use the washroom so we ordered and while Eddie waited for our order I went to use the washroom. So here I am sitting on the toilet doing my business when someone walked in, there were only two stalls and she went into the second one. Almost right away her cell rang and she answered it in the washroom, one of my pet peeves, nothing can be so important that you can’t wait the 3 minutes it takes to use the washroom and call the person back, but no she answered it and started a conversation.

Photo by Fikri Rasyid from Unsplash

By this point, I’m done and struggling with a new roll of toilet paper that did not want to cooperate, you know how it is, it tears in strips and is all uneven and by the time you’re done with the roll it looks like Freddy Krueger got at it, or someones cat, not mine as he doesn’t do that, but someones cat. Anyways, it obviously made a lot of noise on those typical restartaunt and store metal contraptions they call toilet paper holders and I hear her say to the person she is having a conversation with “some people are so rude” and I thought she was talking about something else, maybe someone the other person mentioned.

So I flush the toilet and go to open the stall door and I hear “Do you mind? I’m trying to have a conversation here!” and I was like “Huh? Me” and she’s like “Yeah, you. You’re making a lot of noise and I’m trying to talk to someone.” At this point, I’m thinking WTH? Really is she shaming me because I dared to wipe my ass and flush the toilet in a public bathroom? What else was I supposed to do? Wait quietly in the stall till she finished talking to whoever she was talking to? It wasn’t like she answered quickly and said “I’ll call back”, no she decided to have a whole conversation, so I said very loudly “You’re in a washroom! Do you mind taking your conversation elsewhere? I’m trying to shit here”. I never heard another peep out of her. She never said anything else, but damned if I didn’t take extra-long and make all the noise I could turning on the water, getting soap, washing my hands, turning off the water, getting paper towel (no air dryer or I would have been sure to run that) and opening the washroom door.

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What do I want to do with my life?

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Image Credit: Mudassar Iqbal from Pixabay

A lot has happened in the last month. I have not felt much like posting or doing anything really. I have been really struggling with a lot of stuff. The good news is we have our car back we got it just before Christmas. I am driving again and doing well with it and starting to enjoy it again. I am pretty much back to where I was pre-accident during the day when driving. At night however is still a whole other story. I driven quite a bit at night to pick Edward up but I am so nervous. I figure though that I just need to do it and eventually I will gain that confidence back. I am doing well in that respect.

As for the anxiety and depression I was put on Cymbalta and it is helping. I am now at 60mg and the side effects are low and tolerable. Mostly dry mouth. I am not sleeping at all but wasn’t before starting it so it’s not from the Cymbalta. I am really struggling with being restless at night and being in pain and uncomfortable. I started physio as I mentioned in a previous post but only got to do a few sessions. I had applied again for short-term on the advise of my employer and my doctor but was denied. Short-term in denying me did suggest a gradual return to work so they set that up.

It did not go very well, quite horrible actually. I was actually excited and happy to go back but a little scared on how I would handle it but either way I showed up at about 12:30 for my 1 pm shift. Used the washroom and then was in the lunch room when the branch’s assistant manager (there is no branch manager at that location just an assistant as it is so small) requested I come into her office to talk about my return. I went in and the community manager was sitting there as well.

I am not going to go into great detail but essentially I am now unemployed I was really upset. They bullied me into quitting. They ganged up on me and made me feel really uncomfortable, made me upset and made me cry and start to panic and then when they had me right where they wanted me they pressured me into quitting. They essentially made me feel that if I did not quit they would fire me and advised me of the consequences of that happening (ie. no way to claim EI, looks bad on me, etc.) and eventually after a humiliating and very uncomfortable conversation I really felt I had no other option. So I eventually agreed.

Initially I refused to quit but they just kept at me and telling me that it was for my own good and that I was not fit to come back yet and since I was not approved for short term I had to make a decision on how I wanted it to go. Without outright saying it they made it very clear I was not staying and not going to be starting work. What else was I supposed to do?

I drove home in a snow storm in tears on the phone with my husband while he tried to calm me down. I was so upset. After talking further to him and telling him what was said, the atmosphere, etc and then talking to my parents as well they all suggested that it was discrimination and that they did not want to deal with me because they did not want to deal with panic attacks, depression, etc. They convinced me to contact the labour board. I did but because I had not yet been there 12 months they could not do anything but they did suggest I contact the Canadian Human Rights Commission so I did.

The woman at the Canadian Human Rights Commission listed to me and agreed that I had a valid complaint and that it was something they could help with and directed me to file a complaint online which I did. I received an email saying that they were taking it to the next step and starting to officially review it.

You may be wondering about the title of this blog post and the image. Well, this has opened up a lot of things. Being the end of January there are literally very few jobs at the moment. I have applied for EI and provided them all the details in hopes they will approve me until I am able to find a job. I have applied to a bunch but was really unsure what I really wanted to do. I am kind of soured towards banking now and don’t want to work for another bank.

I want a change of scenery and honestly I want to go back to school. That opened up the question “What do I want to do with my life?” and what kinds of things can I do around here that pay decent. I am not looking for a high 5 figure income that would be unlikely here. I am looking to find something I will really enjoy and make a difference in peoples lives. One thing I always come back to is I want to work with children and I have a special spot for children with disabilities because of my brother.

I am really hoping to be able to go back to school and take something that will get me working with kids with disabilities both physical and/or mental. I am willing to take whatever job in the meantime will help support us while I do that. I am going to apply to a college or university (still looking into programs) for the fall and apply for a student loan. I have no idea if I can get one but I am going to try.

Counselling & Other Things

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Image Credit: Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

I finally got a call today from Mental Health Services and the Digby Hospital today. It seems that there is a free wellness clinic on Thursdays at the hospital from 9 – 3. She said all I have to do is show up and register at the registration desk and then I can see a counselor who will do an intake and determine where to go from there. I am unsure how it works but I am glad that at least there is somewhere to start. She said they can determine if some counselling sessions are needed and how often or if I need to be referred to someone else from there. It’s a bit of a relief. I was getting really frustrated and upset about it and feeling like I really needed to talk to someone.

With that and going to physiotherapy tomorrow to be assessed and get some help for the pain that is still there after the accident at least I am now starting to feel like I am getting somewhere. I was told by her today that to see a psychiatrist through mental health is a 3-5 month or longer wait. I go back to work after Christmas and still have not driven at all. I don’t even miss it. Usually, after a day or two of not driving, I am itching to get behind the wheel and go somewhere. At this point, I wouldn’t even get in a car if I didn’t have to and if I even think about driving I start to shake.

I made a bit of a mistake earlier though, my Libre sensor finished yesterday while Eddie was at work and he brought me home two sensors and I should have put one on last night but I didn’t feel like it. This morning I wanted to get a shower and had to wait a bit to ensure my skin was not wet before putting it on or it will just start peeling off. He had left for work already and before leaving we were talking a bit about everything and I still had not got the call I just mentioned yet from mental health and after he left I started feeling shaky and felt like a panic attack was coming on. By this time it was about 3 PM and I had not eaten since breakfast but I failed to notice that at first.

I tried to calm myself down and was talking to him on messenger and told him what was going on (he was on the bus to work) and he tried to calm me down but I just kept feeling shaky and then weak. Thankfully at some point, it occurred to me that maybe this one time it was not a panic attack and was maybe low sugar. I looked for my glucose monitor, test strips and lancet and could not find the case with them in it so I said the hell with it and went and got some glucose tabs and took them then made myself an English muffin.

After about 10 -15 minutes I started feeling less shaky. I put on a new sensor and activated it and waited the hour and sure enough, I was 5.7 which in the grand scheme of things is not low, in fact, it’s perfect but knowing that for the last month and a half (even before the accident) I have been in the teens and ’20s for the most part and after testing it a few times and seeing it curve upwards I know it was likely much lower then that about an hour and twenty or thirty minutes before. Which would have been before I ate and before I had taken anything to try and bring my sugar up.

I honestly don’t know how low I went but it must have been pretty low for me to get shaky because I don’t always get shaky sometimes I don’t know until I pass out. I am damn lucky I figured it out. I still feel pretty weak and now I have a headache on top of it. So, now I have the added anxiety of not being able to tell a panic attack from low blood sugar. Which terrifies the absolute hell out of me. I have to be more careful and I have to ensure I am checking and double-checking (with test strips) my blood sugar right now.

One other thing that’s been bothering me is wondering if some of the pain and fatigue I am feeling after the car accident is maybe because it has triggered a flare with my Fibromyalgia. I have probably mentioned that before and I know I have thought about that since the accident, especially this last week. Even earlier though this morning right after getting a shower I put my pajama’s on like yesterday to dry my hair with the intention of getting changed after and instead I dried my hair and then I fell asleep for an hour on the couch after sleeping about 10 hours the night before. I am so tired. No matter how much sleep I get I just don’t feel rested and each day seems to be adding to the previous day. Each day I am feeling more and more tired and weaker.

I am hoping maybe the physiotherapist might have some ideas or maybe one I tell them everything they might be able to shed some light on it. I feel like if I go back to my family doctor now he is just going to blame it on the accident or the fibromyalgia and not really do anything about it. If there even is anything that can be done. I just hope physio tomorrow does not make me feel worse and not better. I am not sure I can handle feeling much worse then I do now and I feel like one thing is feeding off another.