I’m absolutely dying for a way to express myself right now. I feel like I have so many pent up emotions and no way to get them out. When I was younger I was quite a good drawer. I won a few contests and was told by numerous art teachers I had an amazing talent. I’ve tried picking up a pencil and just letting it flow but nothing is coming out anymore. It’s like the talent I may (or may not) have had has dried up. I used to do a lot of digital collages and stuff. but I can’t seem to do that much anymore either. I just feel like I’ve lost all that I used to have. I’m not particularly depressed about it. Just disappointed and frustrated. I feel like I have things that are just bottling up with no way out. Words just don’t seem to be enough anymore. I can’t find the words to describe how I’m feeling lately. I feel so muffled and confused. Maybe not muffled. I can’t think of the right word(s). Like life has a haze over it or something. I’ve felt this way so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to feel any other way. I don’t remember being able to think clearly. I don’t remember a month that I had no headaches or pain. I don’t remember a time that I was happy for more then a day or two at a time. I sometimes have to wonder if coming off the medications is the right thing to do? I’m fairly convinced they are the problem. Does that make any sense? Is it possible for anti-depressants to make you depressed?
I talked to a girl at work yesterday. I know her face and talk to her all the time. She’s one of the sprint supervisors or something. Anyways I was microwaving my soup and turned to grab a spoon and suddenly felt sick and dizzy and felt like I was gonna collapse. I musta grabbed the counter or something. She was sitting at a table in the luchroom a few feet from me and we were just talking about work related stuff, and weather, etc. Just polite chit chat type thing. Anyways I suddenly felt like I was gonna pass out and I don’t know what I did/said or whatever but she let out a half scream jumped up and grabbed me and pulled me to a chair. She got some paper towel and wet it in cold water and passed it to me. She asked if I was ok. I said yes I think and just kinda explained about the headaches and neck/back/etc pain and soreness/stiffness. She when white. I asked her what was wrong. She quietly said “my best friend died 3 days ago in alberta… from meningitis”, before she died she had similar symptoms”… That made me think too things. 1) Fuck why did i have to just put her through that! (was the first) and 2nd) (of course) was shit… is that my problem?..
Anyways we talked a bit more about the headaches and she asked if I had any theories on what the causes where. I figured what the hell. Most of the supervisors there now I have some medical type problems and some of the other employees know some stuff. So I told her I was on anti-depressants and that the headaches started roughly 2-3 years ago about the time I was put on the current anti-depressant I was on. I said that I wondered if it was causing or making them worse. Told her I was currently weaning off them. She agreed with me. She said a year ago this time she was about 200lbs and completely depressed (I can remember it too… she was much bigger and she just always looked so sad and down) she said she was on anti-depressants. She found that they had no effect for her so she stopped them. She found that it was very situational for her and that when she got out of it things started to look better and she was now doing pretty good. [...]