Aunt Marge’s Funeral

Need to take some time and unwhined before bed. Even if I was up at 5am…

Long drive down but we made it there just on time for the funeral after hitting construction about the Berwick area. Funeral was good as far as funerals go (what the hell are you supposed to say about funerals?). Thought more for my own memory more then anything since I forget so easy that I’d write a little about it. Got to the funeral home about 9:40am. We all gathered infront of the Anglican church in Weymouth waiting for the rest of the family/friends and the hearse with Aunt Marge. (Feel free to skip to the next paragraph as the rest of this is names lol) Patsy, Florie, Joey and Rena (her kids) were all there. And all the grand children, great grand children and one great great grand child were there. Then Aunt Maise (her sister) and Uncle Jack (brother) where there. They both were my Nanny’s sisters along with another girl and 2 boys (Dot, Ivan, and Roger). There was Patsy’s two girls who I met Tuesday and some other family I will never remember names of. And a girl that is supposed to be uncle Ivan’s grand daughter from a son he never knew he had (it was explained to me but I can’t remember…). Then there was the my Mom, Dad, Denton and I. Aunt Ferne and her boyfriend Condon (sp?) and Aunt Heather (my mom’s brother Mark’s wife). Uncle Mark had to go to boston for work and couldn’t get out of it. Aunt Marlene had a wedding (which I thought was a poor excuse…) to go to… anyways like you guys care about names. This is mostly for my sake..

The funeral itself was held in the anglican church so she could be buried there with her parents. My Grammy and Grampy (Grammy died when I was 5, Grampy sometime before I came along). They started with a song I have forgotten. Then Nicole (one of Patsy’s daughters) read from the bible or something similar (as you can tell I’m not religious enough to recognize much of what was read). The Rena (who is actually not really her daughter but a girl that Aunt Marge took in and brought up after her parents – well I have no idea what happened to them – and so she brought her up as her own) read something she wrote. You’d have to know the woman (or in my case mostly just grown up with the tales and meeting her a few times) to understand how surprised the family (not close but like grand kids, nefews, nieces, grand nefews and nieces etc..) were by what she said. It was the most touching thing I’ve heard anyone say. Unfortunetly most of it escapes me now but i was impressed. So was everyone. Then they sang Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain then after that was kinda a blur except for Psalms 23 [...] 

Mom

I’m really worried about her. It’s not often I have to take over and “be the parent” but I felt sorta like I was dealing with a child a little while ago. She was trying to try on a blouse and pants that she bought for the funeral. And she just started to get mad and I had to stop her from just tearing the blouse off. She’s frustrated. She said “I don’t want to say goodbye…” she said it with such anguish I just wanted to ball. After Nanny died she was devastated. She got so depressed I was scared she’d do something. Then she just kinda gave up after a bit. These last few months are the first in a long time I’ve seen her be lively. And I’m scared it’s gonna happen again. Aunt Marge is Nanny’s sister. So mom’s mom’s sister. Mom’s aunt and my great aunt. I knew her fairly well but my brother new her a bit better. He’d not dealing well either. He deals with death by being angry and violent. He hit my mom today. Not hard but only because I said “don’t you dare!” as he was doing it. If I hadn’t have been there I don’t know what would have happened.

She’s not doing good. She’s so upset. She said it was like loosing her mom all over again. Aunt Marge was her favorite aunt. She loved her so much. I had to basically undress her from the funeral clothes and put a nightgown on her she was crying so hard. It’s hard. I haven’t yet cried at all. The closest I came was when Bethany asked me how I was doing yesterday. She asked if I was finding it hard. I looked up at her and there was tears in my eyes and she said “Ohh hun” but I said I was fine. Ok so I’m crying now…

God it hurts. And it’s not just aunt Marge. It’s everything. It’s Nanny and Grampy Raymond, Grammy and Grampy Adam, Uncle Joe, Aunt Marge, Jordan (my cousin who was only 10… so was I), Dot (another cousin), Jerry (foster Uncle), Tricia (best friend), Stephanie (friend and school chum) and everyone I’ve ever buried. There is just to many to name. I’ve been to more funerals then weddings. Actually I’ve only been to one wedding. That was my cousins. Sean and Bonita. Who’ve since split up. I’m tired of death. I’m tired of funerals. I can’t even count the number of funerals I’ve been too, not counting ones I’ve missed… looking back I can remember like 8 since I was 15. And those are just ones I can remember. That not counting ones I’ve missed or not been able to go to or have forgotten and there is probably the same amount of them so like 12-14 since I was 15? Like 12-14 in 10 years… does that sound like a lot to anyone? Or is that normal?  [...]  READ MORE

exhausted and drained

Staying up later last night, till 1:30 or so… killed me. I don’t really know why. It’s not like I haven’t done it before. Doesn’t usually exhaust me quite so much. I had similar day today to yesterday only I felt more “with it” then yesterday. Didn’t wander quite as much as I did yesterday. Definitely not all there though. No comments please! Well no nasty ones anyway I still had the vague feeling that nothing was real and I’d “wake” up sooner or later. Is it just stress? Or anxiety maybe? I’ve been having more pains in my chest again but only at work. I am thinking it’s work related anxiety. I don’t know why all of a sudden I dread work. I used to love it. Now I only want to be there because it beats being at home board and it’s money. What happened to make a job I enjoyed become such a sore spot in my life? Why am I so anxious and stressed out.

My Mom spoke to her cousin Patti today and my Aunt Marge isn’t doing well at all. She’s got Alzheimer’s for starters. And she’s in her mid to late 70’s. I don’t remember her exact age but I think she’s younger then my Nan by a few years and Nan was 72 when she died 3 years ago (or 5? It’s sad but I can’t remember anything anymore…). So she’d be about mid 70’s?… Anyways she had a stroke a few days ago and they hospitalized her and she’s just getting worse. She has pneumonia now and her kidneys are failing. They don’t expect her to like more then a few weeks at most. It’s so hard. She moved in with Nan just before Nan died and I got to “know” her again. It’s like loosing my Nan all over again. I don’t know if I can take it and I really don’t think Mom can. She’s not doing to good and wont admit it. I’m worried about her. Even though we fight a lot. Now I’m feeling so guilty for yesterday. I swear guilt can eat you alive!

So I am off Friday and my family had plans to camp at Fall’s Lake. And they wanted me to come. I work Saturday and am off Sunday but I’ve done the drive often when we camp or stay in the cabins at the lake. But now they aren’t going because Dad booked the weekend off and they gave it too him but have him working really late the night that Mom wants to go. So she’s pissed cause Dad wont say no to them. He’s mad because she expects him to. Just another fucking lovely day in my house. Denton’s mad because he wants to go and mom said no. So everyone is bitchy, miserable and ready to jump down anyone’s throat. It’s more tense then it’s been in a while. I sometimes wish my family would just act like a normal family. I wish I was a normal 25 year old and lived on my own. I wish I’d stop wishing and do something about it… [...]  READ MORE