I feel like I’ve lost all control

This is not necessarily only about diabetes but my depression and anxiety too, that being said diabetes is such a frustrating disease! Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere and you are proud of yourself something happens and it all goes to shit. I’d like to blame being at home but really I can’t, that should be one of the times I have more control, not less. I’d like to say I am eating the same things as I was when I was out working but again I can’t, I’m not. I do eat a lot of the same things. But now I have free access to everything in the fridge and the cupboards and though sometimes I am not even hungry other times I feel constantly hungry. It’s a little hard to explain, to be honest. I think honestly it’s more mental than physical.

Since childhood, I’ve always just been a creature of habit. I get into habits easily. Even if it makes no sense. I don’t get great pleasure out of food usually. I’m not huge on tastes or textures, in fact, a lot of textures turn me off. I’m sensitive to smell. I won’t eat certain food just because of the smell. When I was little I survived on Kraft dinner and bread and water. I would not eat anything else. It wasn’t until I was in my teens that I even tried pizza and then I would only eat cheese and pepperoni. I got used to some of the dishes my parents made in my pre-teens and teens such as spaghetti, sheppard’s pie, tacos, scalloped potatoes, and ham or bologna but I was very limited. No matter how much they tried I would not eat anything else.

In my teens, I started trying other things, got hooked on Pepsi and root beer, pizza, chicken nuggets, fries, and other things. Typical teen things. Again though, I would not try anything else. If my parents got Chinese I would eat plain steamed rice and soya sauce. Eventually, I took a liking to ginger beef but even now that’s the only Chinese takeout food I will eat.  I can’t handle spicy. I started eating stew in my 20’s and fajitas. Everything though I liked rather plain. I was never a fan of sauces, spices, or anything like that. Imagine eating spaghetti with nothing but margarine and maybe a little sprinkled parmesan? Or a hamburger with nothing on it. Eventually, I started adding bacon (my go-to now) but otherwise, I wouldn’t eat much. Even veggies it was simply corn, carrots, or cucumber. Greens I would only eat romaine or head lettuce. Fruits it was apples, oranges. Berries it was simply strawberry or raspberries.

Over the last few years, I have really opened up my tastes and started trying things I wouldn’t even consider before.  I had started eating more veggies and trying new ones, same with fruits and greens. I started liking more varieties of stuff and was getting more adventurous. I have never been much of a cook but Edward likes cooking. I do know how. It’s not that. I even know a lot of the recipes my parents used off by heart but I would walk him through it rather than doing it myself. I guess I had no confidence in myself and still don’t. Sometimes I think it has to do with depression and anxiety as well though. The anxiety makes it so I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and then anxious really easily. I see this a lot with every day things like cooking, cleaning, and other household chores. I also don’t like going into the grocery store alone. The selection intimidates me. Trying to turn recipes or meal ideas into a grocery list overwhelms me.

Anyway, I had been doing really good with drinking more water, only diet pop occasionally and cutting back on sweets, eating veggies and fruits and we were making (well, Eddie really) meals up ahead of time so we had leftovers and using my freestyle libra I was getting decent results with my blood sugar. Now I just seem to have lost all control. I eat what I like when I like again. I drink more diet pop or even sometimes regular rather than water. We don’t make meals up ahead of time much anymore. We don’t by veggies or fresh meat much. I guess some of that can be blamed on supply which is a little rough right now but I know that even with exercise and eating semi-decent foods I can get my sugars back under control.

Mentally though I am having a hard time rallying myself and getting things back under control. I feel a bit lost actually. In so many ways. Some of it has to do with things going on right now all around the world but it started way before this. It started about the time I stopped working. It was such a big setback to me at the time and I still haven’t quite got over it. I have things that I feel like I should be able to do easily that seem such a big struggle, like cleaning and cooking. I’ve never been big on either but I did it out of necessity. Maybe having someone else around is fostering laziness in me that was already there? Not sure.

One thing I was really proud of this past month was the fact that I lost 20lbs, but looking back on it I realized that I was kind of cheating myself because I did not lose it due to good control, healthier eating, exercising, etc., instead, I lost it because I was extremely sick at the beginning of the month (again). I didn’t want to eat anything, I wasn’t eating anything, I had constant bouts of diarrhea and slept 20 hours a day or more with whatever it was that I got. Add antibiotics to that which caused more issues and it was easy to lose 20lbs in about 3 weeks. In less then a week I have gained 5 back. So yeah, I really can’t take credit for that. One good thing though is the 20lbs lost made a big difference in my pain. So I need to grab onto that, grab onto the way it made me feel good and work on losing more, getting healthier both physically and mentally, and really concentrating on school so that this is not another missed opportunity.

Speaking of that, I have school starting in a month. I registered my courses and have my list of courses for the semester. I got my school email account all set up. I’ve been doing some prep work to ensure I don’t get stuck or lost in my courses, but not as much as I would have liked. I’ve stalled there a bit too, which scares me. I feel like my biggest issue right now is my loss of control on so many aspects of my life. So many good things, but so many bad things. Even the good are daunting and cause me anxiety. Normal, I know, even for someone without depression or anxiety. The difference is they learn to cope. At the moment I don’t feel I am. Thankfully I have a Zoom appointment with my psychologist this week on Thursday.

She is really great. She encourages my blogging and encourages me to get out and try new things and explore. I have never felt in the past that therapy has helped me much and always had rather bad experiences with it. She’s different though. I feel like I’m making breakthroughs with her. My husband and family back me up on things as well. They are super supportive. My husband sometimes though gives in because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or he just wants to make me happy and sometimes pushing me to eat healthily and not eat things I want feels to him like he is being mean, at the same time though he understands my health is in jeopardy so I think he struggles as well with that balance as well.

I know I will get through this, if nothing else I a stubborn as fuck. Even if I sometimes give in when the going gets tough I pick myself back up, tell myself no, I can not give in and I try again, even if it takes a while to get to that conclusion (umm… like 20 years for school, but who’s counting anyway). Again, I know I will get through this. I have support both professionally and through friends and family some of who have always been there and others who are newer but super supportive. I’ve just got to keep pushing myself outside my comfort zone and never give up and on that note, it applies to my diabetes as well. I can’t give up. If I make a mistake I need to just get up, dust off, and try again. Really use the CGM to watch for trends, watch how certain foods affect me, and find suitable alternatives that I still like and satisfy any cravings I have.

I so badly want to get everything under control. I feel better obviously when my blood sugar is in my goal range (5-10 mmol/l) and I know that the complications can be really bad if I don’t regain and keep control. I have seen it in my father and my grandmother. My mom too to a point. She’s a little better at controlling hers than my Dad and I though (yes, my mom, dad, and I are all type 2 and so was dad’s mom). It can be frustrating but at the same time, it can be interesting too. I know being able to cook and bake would be beneficial here because I can learn to change recipes to suit my needs (ie. no sugar, low carb, etc) but still satisfy my sweet tooth and still make me feel like I am not sacrificing. I just have to get better at it. Really push myself, the problem is there is so much I need to change, so much I need to improve or learn that it again seems so daunting. I am not giving up though. Never. I will always keep trying.

Perfection

What is perfection?

I typed the word perfection into Unsplash and this is one of the images that came up. It seemed appropriate. Admittedly I don’t know a lot about spiders as I am inherently terrified of them but one thing I do know is that their webs are perfection. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a full spider web strung between two trees with raindrops or frost on it. That is unless you walk into it I suppose. Either way, the web is perfection, and to some, so is the spider itself.

As for me, perfection is something I have always strived for in my life but somehow in my own eyes I always came up short. I don’t know why. I was never given the feeling by anyone else that I didn’t measure up in their eyes. That I didn’t always try my best and wasn’t talented in some ways. However, for some reason in my eyes, I was always falling short. I felt that I was never good enough at anything in particular. I was okay at most things but never particularly any good at one thing.

School was one place I always felt I fell short. I wanted so badly to be a good student, the proverbial straight-A student but instead, I just glided by. My marks were enough to pass me to the next grade, I never failed but I never excelled either. I was just mediocre. I never gave myself credit for the hours I spent doing homework and assignments. Instead, I concentrated on the times I slacked off or skated by. I felt that when it came to school I was a fake.

I was not popular but I was not unpopular. I was on the edge of everything, one foot in, one foot out. I was liked by most and hated by few. I was there but not there. I paid attention sometimes in class and other times I didn’t. I did my school work, but I never did extra credit and never put a lot of effort into it.

There was one thing and one thing alone at the time, school wise, that I loved and wanted to be perfect at and tried to be perfect at and that was printing and handwriting. I would write and re-write everything until it looked neat and tidy and perfectly formed. Never mattered much what the content was, for me it was just that I wanted it to look pretty, to look like I was smart, to look like I cared, to look like I put work and effort into it.

So much so that I would erase things over and over. Ever since I was old enough to hold a pen or pencil I would obsess over my printing and writing. I wanted it to be flowy and round and pretty. I loved coloured ink; pinks, greens, purples, teal, anything other than the traditional blue, black and red ink. I would spend little time coming up with my first draft of something and would be bored or annoyed until I had to do the “final copy” and then I would spend hours perfecting it.

In elementary school, I had erasers taken from me when my teachers noticed me writing, erasing and rewriting the same line over and over and over again until I erased a hole into the looseleaf. One teacher accused me of eating the erasers because I went through them so fast she thought I had developed some obsession with eating them. Nope, I was just neat if something did not look perfect to me on paper. I erased it and did it again.

In junior high when we graduated to using pens I had the same obsession. I would have my coloured pens taken away because my teachers complained that all though my essay looked beautiful it was too light to read or they had asked it to be done in blue or black ink. I had whiteout taken away when my English teacher in Grade 7 handed me my own essay to read which for once he said was nicely written only to have it fall apart as he handed it to me because I had used so much whiteout it literally cracked in half.

Looking back on it now it just seems one of those idiosyncrasies of youth. One of those funny things everyone tells a story about. One of those things that my family still laughs at to this day when we talk about it. I used to sneak whiteout and erasers into my classrooms because I was so distraught at the fact that I thought I might turn in a piece of paper with a mark on it that wasn’t where it should be or heaven forbid if I had to cross out a word I spelled incorrectly. I would lose it. I would lose my mind in class and have to go to the principals, it was the one and only thing that ever sent me to the principal’s office.

And still to this day. I crave perfection when it comes to my handwriting. I don’t handwrite much at all for that reason. It drives me insane to see a line or scribble through a word on paper or a letter corrected. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing I am seeing a councilor

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I like to write

Photo Credit: Aaron Burden on Unsplash
I have always enjoyed writing and I love to type. I enjoy sitting in front of a computer, my fingers flying over the keyboard. It’s both soothing and therapeutic for me. There is something about the rhythm of it. Something about the sound the keys make, something about the words forming sentences, something about the idea of communicating your thoughts and ideas that really appeals to me. Obviously, in my last post, I talked about how I want to go back to school and I want to get my bachelor of science degree in computing and information systems minoring in web development and on a side note I think I want to write a bit more as a hobby and as a part of my blogging.

I would like to try and tackle maybe some book reviews if I can manage to sit still long enough to finish a book and not lose my concentration. I also want to try writing some short stories. I have a really good imagination for the most part. I just have a hard time conveying what I am imagining into words sometimes. However, that being said I really want to try and get back into it. I used to write stories as a kid. I even illustrated some of them. It’s amazing how things get lost over the years. I don’t mean physically losing the stories and illustrations, but rather losing the ability over the years to use my imagination the way I used to and to put it into words and make something creative out of it.

I suppose in a way blogging is doing that. However, it’s not the same. Writing about my thoughts and feelings is great and has been very therapeutic in its own way and I will likely never stop doing it. I can’t imagine not ever having this blog and this domain. They have become much a part of who I am as a person. Is that a strange thing to say? No, I don’t think so.

Anyway, I am getting off-topic now. Back to what I was talking about. I want to write. I want to let my creativity unravel and blossom. I don’t know if it’s just my frame of mind right now maybe? Food for thought I guess. Depression seems to do that to me. It makes me more creative, makes me feel more deeply. It’s strange and ironic in a way and even slightly beautiful. It’s a part of me and I would not change it for the world. I think I have to feel sorrow in order to feel joy.

Again, I’m getting off-topic, but I can’t seem to help myself. Sometimes the words just flow, you know? They don’t even always make sense and anyone reading this right now probably thinks I am losing my mind, but it’s quite the opposite. I am feeling inspiration. I just don’t know how to let it out. I don’t know how to turn it into what I see in my head. I see stories. I read a book and I can vividly picture the characters, the setting, the message if there is one and there almost always is.

It’s why I don’t often like watching movies of books I’ve read or at the very least I need to read the book first so that the movie does not ruin it. So it doesn’t shape my mind into seeing things one way when it really wants to see them another way. On the flip side, I am often left sorely disappointed in the movie if I read the book first. I doubt I am alone on that. I know I am not alone on that.

I just have to figure out a way of transforming my ideas into words and sentences again and capture them either here in my blog or in Word or something. I am sure I can do it. I just have to try. There’s something about discovering yourself that never gets old.

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