I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks already. I go back to work tomorrow. My birthdays the day after. Still don’t know what to do about that. I desperatly don’t wanna spend it alone but what can ya do right? I cut my hair really short. Like this kinda short (no that’s not me… will take a picture of it tomorrow maybe… to lazy to charge the camera’s batteries). I think it looks good. I like it a lot. Will be much easier to maintain. That picture was actually the one I showed her. Anyways, my hair isn’t what’s on my mind right now.
I’m pain again tonight. Both the physical and mental kind. The last few nights I’ve had to give in and get up and take some pain meds to sleep. I tossed and turned so much last night. I just couldn’t get comfy. Everytime I moved something else would hurt. Either my elbow or my knee or my ankle or my wrist. Something hurt constantly. Actually it all hurt constantly. I find it increasingly difficult to walk some days. My hips (especially the right side) are so stiff and they just feel unmovable. And it feels like they’re on fire when I do move them. I know I walk a little funny but it’s so hard to walk sometimes. My dad’s is the same and he will be in a wheel chair in another year if it keeps getting worse. My elbows and fingers hurt too. Typing is getting really hard. Which sucks. I have to type to work. I can’t keep up and constantly have to ask the “clients” to repeat what they’re saying cause either I don’t hear it (which happens a lot too) or I can’t type fast enough and I forget what they say. The workers comp ones I have to constantly ask to slow down. They go so fast cause they know the routine, and I do to but my hands are to sore and stiff for me to keep up. The burning sensations getting to me too. My hips constandlt feel on fire and my lower back. Anyways enough complaing about physical pain. I’ll just have to deal with it and suffer.
I start back to wrok tomorrow! I had a panic attack today. Not a good combo under any circumstances. Put them together and you have a recipe for disaster. Guess I’m gonna have to warm Bethany. Tomorrow shold be fun (that was supposed to be sarcastic… not that you can tell). Why am I scared to go back? What’s the worse that’s gonna happen? Who knows. But try telling my brain that. It’s in overdrive right now. Speaking of driving. I didn’t bother going to test drive that car. What’s the point. That’s what I feel like right now. Is there a point to all this crap in my life? Will it ever get better.
I’m told that only I can change my life and my outlook on it. Maybe it’s true, but having people help makes it way easier. And there just isn’t anyone but my mother right now. And I don’t feel like confiding in her. I’m trying to “break” away. How do you do that when she’s the only one that’ll listen. It’s not easy at all. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of myself. I’m scared of what I might become. What I have become. What I am becoming. I don’t want to try and make friends. They just tend to disapoint you in the end. Or you disapoint them. Sometimes that can be worse. It some how hurts worse sometimes knowing your not all they thought you were. That your not what they want you to be. But sometime I just want to tell them I am who I am. Get used to it. Either like me for who I am or leave me the hell alone. Well maybe that’s being a bit drastic. But you get the point.
I’ve been trying for days to figure out how I’m going to turn my life around. How I’m going to become something? How do I become something? What do I become? Why do I become it? There has to be a reason right. Or is that just rationalization and over-analysing things? I’ve been trying to figure what I want to do with my life. What I want out of life. What I want for and out of friendships. An relationships. And I’ve come up with nothing at all. I have no idea what I want to do. I could go to the school of paramedicine and become a paramedic. I could go to NSCC or NSCAD and do photography. Or webdesing. Or some of both. I could continue just working and never have a career. All of which minus the last one I’ve thought about seriously lately. But money is non existant and student loan will be vertually impossible. Wouldn’t even know where to start with that. As ashamed as I am to admit it I have a more then $9000 dollar student loan in collections that I just keep putting off, I either put it aside to deal with later and forget or I plan payments and they get messed up somehow. Financially I’m stuck in a no where zone. Have been most of my adult life. I have no idea how to handle money. And that just puts more stress on me. Right now I bet my stress levels are pretty fucking high. I feel torn in a hundreds of different ways and each way has a hundred or so more ways that it’s being torn and so on.
What is the best word for how I feel right now? Lost utterly and totally lost. I have no idea what to do to get myself out of this mess I call a life. How can I have a relationship with anyone if I can’t deal with myself. Maybe the timing sucked. But maybe it was good Percey broke up with me when he did. As much as it broke my heart (and still does) that he did it the way he did. Maybe it’s for the better. I’d have just made more of a mess out of it in the end. But why do people have to fall in love? Why with people who can’t return the love? Is it some sick joke I haven’t caught on to yet? Is there really such a thing as love? Yes I’m sure there is. But maybe some of us are just destined to never have it returned. Or maybe it’s not even that. Maybe it’s more like some of us just don’t know what to do with it and maybe they do or they don’t feel the same but it’s just easier to push the person away and not deal with them at all then to have to fall in love back and deal with the consequences later. Maybe he just thinks I’m fucking nuts. Sometimes I think so…
I guess I should just go to bed and see what other heartaches tomorrow will bring. It’s bound to bring something hurtful. It seems it’s just that way for some people and they just have to realize it. Though sometimes they do but then they’re told that’s the whole problem… that they think things are going to go bad so they will go bad… but if you look back and all you see is bad. How the hell do you look ahead and “see” good?