Title? What title? Oops ;)

My throat’s much better this evening. Last night couldn’t barely talk at all. Tonight I can talk in medium to long bursts then have to rest my voice some or I start sounding like a frog is caught in my throat. I felt better this morning though Kristina said this morning I still sounded horrible. Mom had to work in the office for a few hours today. I had to have the van cause we hadn’t heard from Aunt Doris and Uncle Roy yet. So I dropped her off and went to the Halifax Shopping Center. I wanted to take my phone in and see about getting it fixed. Was too many people there, so I went looking around to waste time and went into Jacob Conexxion. They had t-shirts on for 6.95 so I bought two tanks and 3 t-shirts.

But I didn’t realize I bought to of the same t-shirt just different colours and one tank was the wrong size so when I got home Kristina was there wasting time before work so I asked if she wanted to go with me to Mic Mac. So we went and took the t-shirt and 2 of the tanks (one wrong size and the other a color I already had) and exchanged them for others. Then we went to the Bay and was talking to a girl that works there for a bit. She looked familiar but I don’t know if she was there when I was or not. After we picked up pizza for supper and took it back home and ate.

Other then that only other things I’ve done today is to go to zellers and pick up a couple of small oscillating fans to cool my room and my little bro’s room down some at night (or whenever), we have an old (but still working) air conditioner unit that fits in the window and I think Dad’s gonna put it in sometime this week. Should help a lot. The heat is amazing! I have never felt anything like this before even in Calgary it wasn’t this bad. The humidity is what kills you. It’s so humid I’ve been taking a shower every morning and every evening before bed.Just to cool me down before sleep that and so I feel less grimy.

I think I’m making some big strides here. First going to the Peel Pub with _juju_. And then going into the malls and wal-mart and zellers on my own. I mean I go to wal-mart a lot to grab something then get out. But never to look. I just don’t like and feel totally uncomfortable in throngs of people. I know I’m much better then I used to be. I mean I’m going out period for one. 5 years ago except for going to work I left the house as minimal as possible. I refused to drive at all and especially not alone. And other then Matt (who I miss dearly. But am to stubborn to try and talk to. I don’t think I deserve his forgiveness, if he’d even give it) who worked with me I never got close to anyone. And with Matt it was different. I was close to him at work but kept it to work. We enjoyed working together and we had a great time together but I wouldn’t let it go past work and god bless him for this he understood in some way and new not to push it.

It wasn’t until a good 6-8 months after I stopped working there almost 2 years later that I decided to look him up on ICQ or Msn one day and we started talking again and (I think) became really close again. I love the guy to death. But as a friend. A best friend that’s always there and who’d do anything for you and knows you’d be there for them and do anything for them. I know I messed it up and I wish for a second chance but I have no idea even how to approach that. At least he will acknowledge me in the hall now and I think that’s partly because I walked out of the girls room at work (we work together again but at a different place, story for another day…) and almost ran into him and he held the door for me and I said thanks. He kinda looked surprised and did a double take kinda thing and said your welcome.

Is it just me though… or do I see in his face the longing to talk to me. Does he miss me too? I know that something none of you can answer. It something I will either have to forget or try and find out on my own. I miss him like hell. It hurts so much, how much I miss him. I want him to know I’m sorry and I miss him and I want to be friends again. But if he’s still with Erin that it’s probably not gonna work. How do you tolerate a good friend and a girlfriend who hate the site of each other. Then again I was never fair to her from the beginning. I pegged her as a snob, bitch, and backstabber. And really once I got to know her she was none of those things. But moving in there was a mistake plain and simple. I shouldn’t have put them in that position or let them put me in that position. I honestly can’t remember who’s idea it was in the first place. I think Matt’s but that’s neither here nor there. The point is I felt trapped and unhappy and I did what I normally do. I held it in till it popped. I know I’m not an easy person to live with. I’m messy. She was neat. Not a good combination. Was bound to be a disaster from the start. And I’m not proud of how I left. But I still don’t feel I owed her more then that. She wasn’t being fair either. But it’s not the point, the point is I let a really good friendship with the only person who’s ever completely accepted me for who I am and didn’t try to change me outright or persuade me to change myself “for the better”. He knew what I was and who I was and he accepted and I don’t think I’ll find as good a friend as that again. And if I do I hope that I don’t mess it up again.

I’m kinda thoughtfully tonight. I’m proud of myself. I have taken some big steps back in the last little while sure but that was all I was concentrating on. There are steps forward. I used to be afraid to leave the house and I got better and went to the Dome with Matt and some of his friends (and I don’t really know if I enjoyed it all the time but I did have some fun and that’s all that matters) then I went back into this self imposed exile and not wanting to go anywhere and do anything the, Tara L came along and I thought oh great I found a friend that I’ll be able to do stuff with and Percey came along and I was like great I have someone who cares and likes me for me. Maybe it was all a lie, maybe it was all coincidence. Whatever. I’m not going to let it knock me back. I’m not going to back down. I’m going to go to work, I’m going to face the rumors and just ignore them. There are people there that care about me. They know me well enough to know what’s true, what’s not, and what is but for a reason. They will either treat me the same or different. They’ll believe or they wont. Maybe this way I will find out just who my friends are. And the rest of them. Do I hate them? Do I dislike them? Am I mad at them? No to all. I am an ok person who has problems just like everyone else and I am trying to fix them and hang in there, and I know better, if they don’t want to believe in me then fine. Its there loss. Maybe I would have been a really good friend. Maybe not. Now they’ll never know. So I feel sorry for them. Not me.

I’ve had some bad things happen in my life. I’ve been beaten down quite a few times. But I refuse to give up. I will not give up. Others have gone and are going through much worse and it may make my life seem easy in comparison but like someone said to me you can’t compare someone else’s problems to your own. They aren’t the same. There is no comparison. They are equally important to you and that’s what matters. So maybe it’s time I take my mistakes and my bad things and turn them into good and help others. I’m actually printing out the Habitat for Humanity Volunteer form and filing it in right now. I have an appointment for a sunless tan tomorrow and I a, going to go down and drop it off and talk to someone. Time to take action and stop talking (so to speak, no pun intended). It’s something I’ve been involved in before through a friends church in Calgary and something I believe in. So why not. I need something outside work. I’m good with my hands. I can hammer nails and I can do most of the simple stuff. I can learn anything I don’t know and might need.

Anyways I guess that’s enough said for now. Maybe I’ll think of more later. Maybe not…

*ps- if your wondering what’s up with the title… well nothing… I forgot and was to lazy to think of one lol*

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