Trapped under ice

Ever wonder what you are doing on the earth? Like, what your purpose in life is? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel so much like something is missing. Like I am not living up to my full potential and that there is something more that I need to do.

I can’t help but wonder what it is. Does everyone think like this? Am I the only one? Sometimes I feel like I just have so many questions. I have been thinking a lot about people in my life that are no longer in my life. I don’t mean ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, or people I have known briefly. I mean my friends and family who have lived and died.

I don’t know why I am thinking about death all of a sudden. I just wonder why some people live long lives but don’t really seem to affect anyone other then their close friends and family and why others are taken from us too suddenly. Why were their lives cut short? Did they reach their purpose? Is that why they are gone?

Then I wonder about myself. I feel like I have some further purpose that I have yet to figure out and it stumps me. I can’t help but feel that I was meant for more then just working in a call center for the rest of my life.

I can not get up the courage to go to the bank though and ask about a student loan to go back to school. I am so scared of being rejected. My history with the subject of money and loans has not been that great.

I got a loan to go to go back to school a few years after graduating high school and I was never able to pay it back, part of the reason I declared bankruptcy a few years ago. I had other dept as well. I had a car that I had a year before getting into a bad accident, getting hurt and totaling the car. I was left with thousands of dollars on a car loan that I no longer even had the car. My insurance did not cover it all.

I took web design and internet publishing sometime around 2001 or 2002. I finished it but really had very little interest in pursuing it as a career at the time, still don’t. I enjoy blogging but I hate trying to put something together for someone else. I just don’t feel like that was what I was meant to do either.

I did it, took the course that is, because my parents pushed me to do something. I was at home, I was suffering really bad from anxiety and depression and they wanted me to have something to occupy my mind, to give me something to do. So I decided to go into web design because at the time I enjoyed it. That got old fast though and I just did not enjoy it the way I thought I would. 

Now years later I am questioning everything I have ever done. I have never held a job that I really love. Even the one I am in now. I enjoy it, and it is close to what I want but not fully. It just does not feel like it’s what I want to do for ever either.

Thinking about friends and family members who have lost their lives early it makes be uncomfortable thinking that I am just wasting time. Time that it seems I have so little of in the great scheme of things. Everyone is allotted time and it seems like most don’t know how much time they have. How could you really? Maybe some do, who knows…

All I know is I feel like I should be moving towards something else. I want so bad to have kids and to work with kids. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel that like my parents one of my “callings” is to take in and love and teach and be a parent to a child who may not have a chance otherwise.

I really am thinking that I was meant to foster a child or adopt a child. Cory does not agree or disagree. He just seems impassive about it, as he is with so much else right now. It concerns me. I love him and am concerned sometimes that he has just given up or is just not as passionate as I am. Or maybe he just has not figured it all out yet either.

I really need to figure some things out. I know what I want. I just have not figured out how to get myself there yet. I have such a hard time getting motivated. I feel its the same with Cory. I need to push us both. But how do you push someone else when you can’t even push yourself?

It feels kinda like being trapped under ice, you can see the hole for air but you are having such a hard time getting there to get any.

7 thoughts on “Trapped under ice

  1. I’m so sorry you feel that way. What kind of job with kids would you like to do? Is there anything you could get a job at without special training?
    What about charity work, volontary work of some kind. But I can imagine it must be hard to do that if you work full time already.
    I must warn you that kids are the most dangerous creatures on earth for spreading disease. Kids (or new staff!) are never as sick as when they start going to kindergarten and school. I’m thinking of your asthma thing. But of course that shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want. I know how important it is to do what you feel you are supposed to do in life. I didn’t feel I was doing that until I finally got the job at the palliative care unit a year ago.

    1. I really want to work with children with disabilities, specifically deaf children. I would like to take both ASL Interpretation and Early Child Education. I am hoping to become an aid/interpreter in the classroom.

      I have to take 4 levels of ASL which the community college has doubled up into ASL 1 and ASL 2 each of those are about 2 months long and are around $400 each. Plus I have to take a Deaf Studies certificate which is a 1 year program before I can take ASL Interpretation which is a 2 year diploma program. If I take Early Childhood Education that is another 2 year diploma program as well.

      I know how bad kids can be when it comes to spreading disease and stuff, but I so badly want to work with them and I maybe even foster as well. I just love children and being around them.

      1. It is wonderful that you love kids so much! Also that you know exactly what you want to do. What a shame that education costs so much over there. We are so priveleged overe here when it comes to that, I don’t think those who moan over high taxes realize how lucky they are, to live in a country where anyone can go to university regardless of how wealthy they are.

        1. Yes, you really are lucky! I am not sure how high your taxes are compared to us, but I have always thought ours high. Education is supposedly “subsidized” and the government says they pay the majority of it and we only pay a small portion but if like 75% or more need to get loans (I don’t know the exact number just guessing based off all my friends who have gone to college or university). Then I would say that subsidy is not really working.

          Is it free there?

          1. Education from public schools and univerIties is free and you only pay for books and for your living (not having income since you can’t work etc) so many take loans just to have an income to pay for food and housing but I guess they don’t get even close to the quantities in other countries where you also need money to pay for the actual education.

  2. I understand that feeling all too well, but you gotta try and change that mindset. Things might be the way we want them now, but they can change. I believe in that. Believe me, living with mental illness has really taught me a lot of things like that. Nothing is ever as it seems, plus, we can’t keep trapping ourselves in these boxes.

    I think our purpose is to live and experience the world as it is and change the world with our lives. Change people and change moments that we have. Don’t feel too bad about things, circumstances do change for the better despite the worst happening first.

    1. I’m horrible for trapping myself in boxes. I do it all the time. I have such a hard time with change, even though it’s something I want so much right now. It’s just so hard to do.

      I know how living with mental illness is, I’ve been living with it for about 15 years myself. When you add in Fibromyalgia and other things on top of that, I really tend to trap myself in boxes and get in the mindset that I can not get out.

      But your about our purposes. Even making a small difference in one persons life has a rippling effect as they are likely to make some small difference in someone else’s life and so on.

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