I cannot fucking believe the gas prices! A dollar fucking twelve! $1.12/litre. That is the highest I’ve ever remember seeing it in my 25 years…
Anyways just had had to say that!!
So today was somewhat better. I’m feeling somewhat calmer and more organized and less “dream” like. I talked to Bethany some and explained the situation and she is going to try help me get rid of saturdays shift. Only now mom says that they probably going saturday now and not coming back till tuesday which fucks me again. Cause I would have friday, saturday, and sunday off not saturday, sunday, monday and now tuesday. They complain that I don’t do things with “the family” but they make plans at the last minute and when I have to work then they get upset. Yet when I wasn’t working that wasn’t good either because I was at home doing nothing. It’s really annoying. Would they fucking make my mind up for me? How the hell do I please them when they don’t know what the hell they want… So yeah once again I get fucked. I’m getting tired of it.
My anxiety level is in the red right now. I’m freaking out over nothing and everything. I told Bethany that I think the pains in my chest are anxiety and stress related. She agrees. We had a nice long talk the other day. I still didn’t say too much. But she’s aware that I’m really stressed out right now and very anxious. She knows about the depression. I told her I’ve had panic attacks before. For anyone who doesn’t know Bethany is my team leader at work. We have 2 teams, USA and Australia, we’re team Australia. And she’s the team leader. Basically she is the head of the whole team and Lesa is the team leader of team USA. But Lesa knows a little too. I gave Bethany permission to tell her and to tell both Brad’s and Adrian, who are the supervisors, a little so they know that I am having some problems.
I never got around to canceling my doctors appointment for tomorrow which I’m glad of now. I’m going to try and go. I’m really stiff and sore. And I want to talk to her about the anxiety and about the therapy. Ask her advice on what to do about Jacqueline (my therapist). I don’t enjoy going and come out feeling worse then when I went in. What the hell kind of therapy is that? I mean I can understand a few sessions here and there upsetting me but every single one does. And it’s not the stuff that we talk about that bothers me. it’s her constantly putting me down and telling me I have to “grow up” and enter the real world. I know I need to severe the dependency on my parents but it’s kinda hard to when you live with them and depend on their vehicle to get back and forth to work. I feel like saying “Hey, unless you want to pay for my apartment and food, drugs, and bus fare or a vehicle then shut the fuck up”. I really don’t like her at all. And I’m a fairly easygoing person. But we just clashed from the beginning. I just dislike her immensely…
Ever felt like a caged rabbit? That’s how I feel right now. Trapped. Stuck in reality. Sometimes I want to just dissapear into some fantasy life and never have to face reality again. I’m sure everyone feels that way at some point though… Really I’m not doing all that bad. I don’t feel depressed right now. I’m actually kinda happy. Well not happy. But not sad or upset. Ok I’m not sure how to “get my point through”. I’m upset and sad about my aunt. but if you were to set that aside I feel fairly good. Like life is looking up. Not happy, not content even, just ok. OK doesn’t seem right either. I don’t know if there is a word to describe how I feel. It’s umm… satisfactory. Lol! Now I feel like I’m back in grade school. Grade Kirsten’s mood. Is it a) very poor, b) poor, c) satisfactory, d) good, e) very good, or f) excellent…
I’m listening to music right now, talking to wizziwig and writing a poem. Actually we are writing a poem She’s helping me iron it out. I’m hearing the music but not hearing it. You know what I mean? It’s there and I know what’s playing but it’s not registering. I was like that all day at work too. An insured or claimant would tell me something and I heard them and I answered but it didn’t sink in and register so if they went back to it a moment later I was like “huh?”. One thing people at work say all the time is that I’m “off in my own little world”. I sorta discretely (at least I hope it was discretely, but discrete could bite me on the ass and I’d be like “what?”) talked to Nicole about it one day. Made it seem like it was just me being distracted that day. But she said that people have commented that I always seem distracted and “alone in my own little world”. She said that people like me. But that they just get the sense I want to be left alone and so they do. I wasn’t really aware that I made people feel I didn’t want anything to do with them. It’s not that really. I’m just weary and tired of friendships that never last. So I’m sometimes scared to try. And I guess that shows through in some sense.
Well I could go on but I’m getting bored of writing so I’ll leave you with my latest poem. Much thanks to wizziwig for helping me with it! I welcome any suggestions/comments, just be nice please, I’m slightly fragile at the moment!
Can’t get over feeling so trapped,
like lifes got no further plans,
I can’t deny the fact that I’ve snapped.
Feeling rather lost and cast aside,
my emotions running free and wild,
avoiding times when I’ve gone and cried.
Sitting here staring at the wall,
imagining where I’d rather be,
watching my dreams as they fall.
How I wish things could have changed,
that I didn’t have to run and hide,
my thoughts weren’t so estranged.
It’s time I learn to adapt!
Oh have you heard Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down? It’s fairly good! Not one of my favorites or anything but still pretty good