vulnerable

The last post might need to be read to totally understand this…

Anyways, I feel like I still need to “talk” and there’s no one to talk to right now so…

I’m feeling so damn vulnerable right now. I don’t know why. Everything is bothering me so damn much. I don’t even know what’s bothering me. Something is. I just don’t know what. I feel like I’m going out of my mind. Don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not depressed. Actually it’s the opposite. Or not exact opposite. But not depressed. I’m somewhat happy. Just annoyed. I don’t even know what at. I’m tired. I don’t mean physically. Emotionally I guess. Just feel so drained. These last few weeks have been really trying yet really satisfying and very good. I feel so much better. But I feel that in feeling better there’s other issues that are coming up. Ones that when I was feeling so down, just didn’t matter. I couldn’t think about them because they just seemed so impossible to address and deal with.

I don’t even know what I mean at the moment. Well yes I do. I just don’t know how to explain. Which drives me nuts. I’m always saying that. “I don’t know how to explain it” and everyones always saying “Just say it. Just say what’s on your mind”. But it’s not that easy dammit. If your confused how do you sort them out. I try and “grab” onto one thing at a time and deal with it but it keeps pulling in other things till I’m so confused I just want to give in.

Don’t ask me to give specific instances. That drives me mad. I hate trying to pick things. One seems so daunting then something else pushes it’s way in. Have you ever felt so upset, frustrated, mad, sad, etc, but you can’t really pick out anything in particular? Yet it’s as intense as if it was one specific thing you were upset (using upset for all those things) about. You just can’t grab a hold of one thing. And you can’t really say what they are. It’s not that you don’t want too. But when you try. Your mind just goes blank. Maybe it’s sensory overload or something? Fuck I don’t know. All I know is that when I try and “talk” to someone about it they want specifics. They want certain instances and I just can’t. And then they refuse or say they can’t help. Or can’t discuss it cause I don’t want to. But I do. I just can’t. I don’t see why I have to “pick” something…

I’m not done. I have so much more to say… but I just need some time to clear my head a little. It’s times like this when I need the comfort, and the only one who was ever able to comfort me and make me feel better isn’t here to do it. It hurts so bad and I miss her so much.

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