Welcome To My Life!

Heh, anyways! I went to Dr H’s today for my appointment. What an interesting day! First mom came with me and waited in the car for me. I drove over, don’t ask me why. I just happened to be the one who grabbed the keys and I headed for the drivers seat out of habit and mom never commented and after she said she wasn’t really in the mood to drive anyways. While I was in the doctors office (will talk about what happened in the office in a moment but first…) I had left the lights on… (and I’m sure you can see where this goes from here… :p) So I am in the doctors office for over and hour and a half with mom sitting out there baking in the heat and the lights on in the van. Being daylight out and the fact that I had left the keys in the ignition so she could leave the car running from time to time and turn the air conditioning on, listen to the radio, whatever. And so when I come out of the office I find a very pissed off mom! The battery is dead…

So… a cabbie drives up while we are trying the van and says it sounds like the battery is dead (No shit?!?) and asks if we need a tow truck or a boost or anything. Says that a tow truck usually costs about $50 to boost. Said he’d do it but he has to charge, which is ok, we know they’ll do it and we know they charge like $15-20 so we were fine with that. Much cheaper then a tow truck and no one else even looked our way never mind offered to help. So he boosts us tells us to leave it running and stay put at least 5-10 minutes before we go anywhere. So we leave it on, and mean time we are running out of gas fairly fast (dad thinks there is a tiny leak somewhere in the gas line) but sitting still we are ok and don’t run out. Meanwhile while sitting there a hornet fly’s in. I’ve been stung numerous times when I was little to no avail but 6 or 7 years ago while working at McDonalds in Digby I got stung multiple times by both hornets and bee’s when taking trash out and ever since then I have been seriously allergic to hornets (only been stung by a bee once since then and though hurting like a bitch and swelling tremendously nothing else happened). One sting and I bloat and can’t breath and get hives.

So yeah this hornet fly’s in the window. Mom’s not scared of them and neither am I but I know what can happen if I get stung right so I kinda slowly move and open the door to get out. Mom does the same and we were just going to stand outside the van with the doors open till it flew away. Great except doesn’t it fly right into my face! And stings me. So we non-chalantly go back into the doctors office, skip the elevators (which I hate anyways) and walk up to my doctors office on the second floor, by non-chalantly I mean we didn’t panic, but knowing it only takes minutes we did walk fairly fast, but I have to keep calm, or the effects happen faster. So we tell the receptionist what happened and she runs in to the office the doctor is in and she tells her and Dr. H comes running out and so does the patient, who crabs my hand and drags me in the office she had just been in and tells me to sit down (turns out she’s a nurse also) on the chair and just keep trying to breath normally (by this point I’m slightly having difficulties breathing but I know to stay calm, funny how I panic in the stupidest of situations but I can stay calm when I can’t breath and am starting to swell up like a balloon).

The doctor goes and gets the needle with epinephrine and gives me the shot. We sit there a few minutes (I honestly have no idea how many…) and I’m still swelling and having a hell of a time breathing and she and the patient/nurse and one of the other doctors talk quietly to themselves and then say to me and my mom they think I may need to be taken to the hospital but they don’t want to wait for an ambulance so the doctor, my mom and I all pile into the doctors car and the patient/nurse calls the cops and lets them know what’s going on and the type of car, license plate and description of the people in the vehicle. On the way to the QE a cop pulls in behind us but doesn’t put on the lights or anything I don’t pay much attention though. So I get to the hospital and they half drag me into there and some huge guy picks me up off my feet (and I’m 155lbs so I’m not a tiny girl) and carries me into a room and puts me on the bed. And I get another shot. Then later a third. I never realized it but I guess I was pretty bad! They said another few minutes….

So yeah all that before 12:30pm. They let me go as soon as my breathing was back to normal though. I was anxious to get out of there. I hate hospitals and knowing that I think my doctor pulled a few strings cause I expected them to tell me I had to stay for a bit. After that we went to McDonalds for an ice cream (inside where there is no insects lol!) and then picked Dad up. When we got home I went and laid down for a bit. When I got up I went to the bathroom right away and looked at my face. Besides what looks like a very swollen pimple (but is actually the sting site) on my cheek my face looks fine and I feel fine. My mom and dad didn’t want to leave me to go to Digby but I told them I was ok. We made a deal. They’d go but only if Tina next door was home and agreed to call me a couple of times tonight to check on me. So she called once and said she’d call again once before she went to bed and if I felt anything at all to call her and she’d take me to the DGH. I feel fine though. My face doesn’t hurt and beyond it being a little swollen near where it stung me there isn’t any other residual swelling and I feel normal. So yeah that was my day. Fun eh? She (Dr. H) did write me out a prescription for an epi-pen though and I’m supposed to carry it with me now And she suggested I tell all my friends and family about it and the sups at work. I don’t want to. It’s just one more thing that makes me feel different. But like she said. She is allergic to bee’s and has to carry one with her. Lot’s of people are. She said that in the city it’s not too bad I should be able to get to a Dr’s office or a hospital without to many problems but I should definetely carry it with me outside the city. She actually said I should all the time but she said a lot of people don’t or wont. We’ll see…

So yeah about the original appointment itself… They didn’t have my test results back yet so I have to wait till next week. But she got a letter from Catherine from group therapy saying that I didn’t attend almost half the sessions (I guess so… looking back I missed 3 or 4 out of 10). And didn’t show up for the final appointment. She suggested I re-take the group again at a latter time. So Dr H and I had a talk about commitment. I realized that she/they are right. Which hurts more then if I didn’t agree. I wasn’t all that committed. And I came up with a lot of excuses. Some were legit. She herself told me not to go to one of them cause I had a cold really bad and it was almost pneumonia by then. The others though it was mostly work… I mean when your off at 6 and half to be there at 6:60 and don’t get out of work actually till 7 or quarter after 1 and it would be almost 8 by the time you get there and the group ends at 8:30 then what’s the point in going?

I mentioned to her about Jacqueline as well. And she said there may be a personality conflict there or there may not but I seem to be making up a lot of “excuses” as to why I can’t go. She’s right. There is definitely a conflict but I am also making excuses not to go. Why? Well one reason (off the top of my head) that I don’t want to go is that she keeps trying to bring up things that happened in my teens (15 and 16) in Calgary, and besides Brad, no one here other then my parents (even my brother knows very little…) know about it. I told her a little, enough she must think it to be something that is major enough to be a problem. And I agree it is a problem as far as it’s where my depression really came out (well actually it was a few years later – 4 to be exact – in Fredericton with Brad) and a lot of the cause (not all but a big portion of it)… the guilt over it kills me. There is guilt over other things that happened later at 17 and 18 (which I am not gonna say on here either) which only one person knows about (sorry Brad but you weren’t there at the time and I just don’t see any point in telling you everything, I know you understand). But a lot comes from the stuff that happened in Calgary. And one other thing that also happened in Calgary when I was 12 or 13 (a few people know about that. Not the particulars, just that it happened, well my parents know a little but I never told them everything and now there is no point because it wouldn’t do any good except enrage them more – not at me). I have a hard time dealing with it especially the guilt. I know I didn’t do anything wrong but somehow the guilt sneaks in there still… what if I hadn’t done this? what if I had done that differently? etc..

She keeps trying to get me to talk about it. But my mom (never discuss this stuff with Dad) doesn’t want me to tell her much I feel guilty if I tell her. I don’t think Mom knows quite how much it’s affected me. I don’t think she knows or would understand the guilt that I feel about it. She wouldn’t understand because she wouldn’t really expect me to feel guilty. To her I just happened to be a bystander and not a cause. And it’s true I was a bystander and not the cause or part of it. But to me I feel like there must have been some way I could have prevented it. I know I felt like it “might” happen and I was worried and tried to warn them (I know I’m getting more into this then I planned and yet I’m not revealing anything. Don’t ask me too. I can’t. If I know you in real life and haven’t told you then there is a reason. And it isn’t at all that I don’t trust you. I’m trying to protect you. Your likely better off not knowing…). But no one listened to me. Maybe I should have tried harder? I’m not gonna go there though. You can’t change the past. Yes it’s one thing I truly regret. But it’s not my fault. So it’s better to try and let it go. And I try. But it’s always there. I just can’t get rid of it….

Anyways, she also talked to me about ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder – which I know about because my brother has AD/HD or ADD with hyperactivity). She asked me a few questions about school and my job and my day to day life. She thinks it’s all consistent with my possibly having ADD. I was and am very unorganized. I totally lack focus, yet I am fixated on some things, like in elementary my teacher took my eraser from me because I constantly would erase something to the point of putting a whole in the paper, and in junior high I was told by numerous teachers (I think they got together and decided it together) that I was not allowed either an eraser (for the same reasons) or white out because I turned in a paper to my english teacher in grade 8 that literally cracked in half because I had used so much white out. I remember a few days later when we went over them he pulled mine out and said “ok guys, this is an example of when a little whiteout becomes a lot and then too much and then ridiculess!” “if the paper cracks you’ve used to much” and the class (me included) bursts out laughing (he was smiling when he said it. Then he walks over and set’s it down on my desk and says loudly “otherwise Miss Adam that was one of the best written essays I’ve ever read, congrats”.

As well as that I am constantly missing or loosing things. And forgetting things. Be it appointments with my doctors, therapists, etc.. or my headset or my door card or my MSI card or my debit card. Or…. all of the above on the same freakin day… I can’t focus at all. I get distracted by anything and everything. Wasn’t I talking just yesterday about being in my “own little world” at work? She says that’s very common in adults with ADD. I work full-time (32+ hours a week) at 9.50 and hour and live at home and the only bill I have is a cell bill. I have a student loan but haven’t been paying (yes I know that’s gonna catch up to me eventually…) and yet I never have any money left over after a paycheck. I can’t carny a balance on my account no matter how hard I try. I opened a savings account to put money and I’ll put money in it but it never stays. I just have no control over my spending. And yet I hardly ever have anything (other then some clothes sometimes) to show for it. I have no structure in my life what-so-ever and I was talking to a friend about that on MSN and he said I have to change that not someone else. At first I was upset, not terribly but sorta, by it. But he’s absolutely right. I’m hoping talking to her is the first step. Next step, next week I am going to make an appointment with an occupational therapist at CMHS and see if I can get some ideas on how to structure my life and myself. I bought a day planner today and a purse a week ago (got tired of drooping the phone, even if the last time fixed it lol) and my mom is going to sit with me when they get back and she is going to help me plan out my *bills* (what they are going to do is “charge” me 300 for rent but it’s going to go in a savings account in my name that I wont have a card for. I will have to go in to a teller to get money out of it. And I wont have internet access to it either, figured out it useless to have a savings account if it’s connected to your chequing lol…

She wants me to come in next week for another appointment to discuss the ADD and maybe a further referral to a specialist. As well as my test results.

Well I guess I should stop now. I’m running out of things to say…

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