What about love…

Ok so looking back on the last few posts I realized something. I do know one thing that has really been bothering me. I just don’t want to admit it. This could come out wrong. And it might make things worse for me not better. But I need to say it anyways.

Ok so one thing really bothering me… it’s an image most girls (women, I have a hell of a time thinking of myself as a woman… not gonna analyze that one) my age are trying to get away from. But what do I want more then anything in life? A career? No. An education? A priority yes but not the top of the list one. What I want is a family. I want marriage, kids, the whole works. I know I’ve mention this before in some way or another. And I know it’s not something that’ll happen anytime soon. But I don’t feel like it’ll ever happen. I don’t want to marry someone unless I have known them a long time and love them so much I can’t be without them. And to me that kinda love seems like something that has to grow upon.

Sure I believe in love at first sight. Oddly enough I do. But I think it would be something that would take years to come about (marriage). I’m 25 now. I always envisioned myself with kids and a family at the same age as my mom. I passed that already. By the time it happens. If it happens. Well it just feels like it wont. And I have been told by just about “everyone” not to hurry it. I have my whole life ahead of me. So why do I feel the need so bad right now? Is it just that I want to be loved so much I’ll take it anyway it’s delivered. Good or bad. And yes there is bad love. Loving someone who treats you like shit for example. I’ve been there. I’m sure lots of people have. But I just wanted to be loved so bad and to love so bad I didn’t care.

I took the possessiveness and abuse as love. Why? Well it’s not all I’ve known luckily. I have a loving family. I’ve had (and have) people who truly care about me and/or love me. But I just feel it’s not the same. I want that *one* special person. I want to be that one special person. More then anything in the world. I want to experience it. I know… it’ll happen one day. But it doesn’t happen to everyone. You can’t tell me it does. It doesn’t. What if I’m one of those people it’s never gonna happen too?

Why do I want to be loved so damn bad? Why do I want to love so damn bad?

I know posting lyrics to a favorite song that you feel you relate to is way overused and overrated. But I don’t care!

My December

This is my December
This is my time of the
year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my
December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me
alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn’t feel
Like there
was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To
make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn’t feel
Like
there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said
to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go
to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my
December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is
all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn’t feel
Like there
was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To
make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn’t feel
Like
there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said
to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go
to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my
December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so
clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go
to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

And I give
it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have
someone
To come home to

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