Where are these damn feelings coming from?

Ok so is it the rain? The state of mind I’m in? Or what? Maybe the book I’m reading? But I just feel so melancholy… I always found that word sooooo overrated but it’s all the fits. See the thing is I miss something so bad it hurts. Not someone. Something. What? Well it’s kinda hard to say. I’d say Germany. But it’s not so much Germany in itself. But that “time”. I’m in no way saying I wish I was still there. I would never trade the last 14 or so years for anything. Even the bad times. Cause without the bad there wouldn’t have been the good either. I’m very happy with some things in my life right now. Not so happy with others. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The things I’ve experienced put meaning in my life. Good, bad, traumatic, joyful and whatever else. Yet I sometimes miss the simple things I took for granted during that time.

The german language for instance. I could go anywhere there and understand much of what was being said to me and around me. I might have had a bit of a problem communicating back but most people spoke enough english and were so patient with me and the other children (and adults) around them from Canada. They’d “make” you speak german yes but only because most of us wanted too. And how better to learn it then immersion in it right? They in no way were being mean by not speaking english just helpful. Now I can still understand a lot of it but I’m loosing more and more year by year. I miss it. I loved it. I’ve always loved being immersed in other cultures and languages. It made me appreciate the culture as well as my own. Made me have more tolerance for myself and others. And it was so cool. I absolutely had a ball there when I was little. The majority of us did I think. Sure there was lots of us that didn’t but you just had to open your mind to the experience or you were going to hate it. I loved it. I miss it.

I’m back to dreaming nightly. I wouldn’t call them nightmares or even bad dreams. Just odd. Unsettling. Sometimes stupid. Other times very bothersome. Sure everyone dreams. I know. And a lot of people have very realistic dreams. But when you get to the point you dread sleep because of it. It becomes a problem. They not only bother me at the time. The stick with me. Sometimes I can remember particulars about the dream. Other times just a feeling. Today I have been really unsettled all day because of two I had last night. One was about a friend. I did something to upset him. And he just absolutely refused to have anything to do with me after that. It upset me so much I woke up shaking. I was really bothered by it. Oddly enough. I know I’m sure where it stems from. I’ve gone through it within the last year. Having a friend hate me so much he can barely stand looking at me to this day. And all over something so stupid. The dreams was about a different friend. A different reason all together but the feelings were the same and just as devastating. Why can’t I just let this go and move on? What bothers me about it so much I’m sitting here in tears? Is it the fear that it will happen again with this other friend? Or any friend… Or is it just for some reason bothering me because the one it happened to is constantly around the corner every time I turn around. I can’t get away from him at work. He’s friends with people I talk to there. He’s always there. And he looks at me with such hate and sorrow. Like I hurt him so bad. And I know I did. But dammit he hurt me too! Like you wouldn’t believe.

I have no reason to be so upset about it. Why do I worry about things that may never happen. In fact I think I set myself up for them by worrying so much. I just hope that the friends I have right now understand how much it’s affected me and don’t take offense when I do stupid things out of desperation and loneliness and being so friggin scared I’ll do it again. Why does it have to hurt so damn much. I feel like it’s tearing me apart. Ever had your heart broken by a guy you love? Well it’s like that with a few exceptions. Romantically I was not in love with him. I cared a lot about him. But not in that way. He really was one of my best friends.

Speaking of best friends. Why is it that as far back as I can remember I’d become really close to a friend. Close enough to call them a best friend and yet it’s never been returned. Or not that I know of. I can only think of one possible person that might have thought it back at one point in time. And he’s thousands of kilometers away. But never has it been returned to the point I think that they call me a best friend too. I could be wrong I suppose. But I don’t think I am. If I am I’m sorry… but if I am how come I don’t know it?? Is there something that wrong with me? Hmmm so much for self-confidence. I hate the fact that I feel so low about it and about myself. I love myself. I care about myself. I just don’t think anyone else really does. I’ve no doubt people care or they wouldn’t bother. But love… I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. My family doesn’t really count. Which might sound bad but I know they love me. And I love them. I’m talking other people. Friends, or any relationship I’ve ever been in with anyone, with the exception of one that was just never meant to be obviously which was mostly my fault.

Another thing bothering me. And actually it’s not bothering me per se. Just on my mind I suppose. Is my family. I cherish them so much. Yet sometimes I really resent being here. I resent them at times. I feel guilty about it. But every time I don’t want to do some “family” thing they get mad and pile the guilt on. I suppose that’s normal. I don’t know.

But back to the dreams. There was the one about my friend that really bothered me. I’ve been unable to get it out of my mind all day. Maybe cause it was the same person as in the other dreams where they hated me… But I keep having another dream that’s really bothering me too. I wake up screaming. And as hard as I try. I can never pinpoint what in the dream frightened me. I can’t remember much of the dream. I remember bright lights coming towards me. I remember intense pain. But only it wasn’t me. It was someone else. I was them. Then “I” remember being on a road somewhere trying to find someone to help me. It’s late at night. I would wave at passing cars and they just kept going past me. (I recognize the road. I know the exact place. It’s in Harrietsfield. A road I travel a lot at night or early morning to take dad to work. Oddly I’m not the least scared of the road or the area… meaning now) But anyways I’m trying to flag someone down. And there is lots of houses and they have people in them. I can see them through the windows. But I knock on doors. I even went into a store and they’ve just gone on as if I’m not there. Yet I am. People walk past me and don’t even see me there. All I know is I need help I’m hurt seriously.

It really bothers me. And I feel oddly uncomfortable in that area. But I’m not scared for “me” cause it’s not me. God that felt so weird to say. But I know that it’s not me in the dream it’s someone else. Am I just having a dream about an area that makes me uncomfortable? Or am I dreaming something else… Not sure I want to know honestly. We had a conversation at work the other day. About odd things that happen to people. Julie was saying she just new the first time she met Glenn that they’d be together. She was depressed and she had broken up with someone not long before and the first time she worked there she heard a voice in her head say “Look over there” so she did and there was Glenn. And the voice then said “you’re going to be with him and everything is going to be ok.” Of course everyone kinda laughed at it and started saying things that happened to them. It came around to me and they asked if anything had ever happened to me. I said no. But it was an outright lie. One I’m not really proud of. But how do you admit to people you work with, without them thinking your crazier then they already think you are, that things like that happen so often to you that you dread it. That you dream things only to have them happen. Sometimes not exactly as you dream but the dream had some sort of warning in it you recognize after. Before just seems odd. After seems like a strange co-incidence. And probably would be if it didn’t happen so often you just tune it out. Or try. You can’t really tune it out… You can try though. It’s more then likely co-incidences. I know that. But sometimes you have to wonder…

Well now that I’ve accomplished making myself look like a complete nut I know I am. You don’t have to point it out lol. I think it just makes life more interesting if a bit fretful at times.

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