why oh why

So I have no idea where to begin. Or end. Or what to put in the middle. Want me to bare my soul? Sure why the hell not. What have I got to loose right? Who the hell knows really. God I am so confused right now. So in over my head. So deeply feeling things. It’s kinda refreshing I suppose. I just have these feelings I have no idea what to do with ya know? Like if I don’t express them they’ll explode. Or even go away. Which would be worse in a way I guess. Not without having “explored” them I suppose. I just don’t know what to do.

I feel this tremendous feeling of dissapointment that I can’t make things go my way. I can’t get what I want and it’s driving me insane. I know that’s selfish. But it’s my journal. So to bad. I feel like being totally selfish. How can I love so totally. And how can I just care so much. I don’t want too. And yet I do. Why don’t I? Cause, I’m scared. Scared of what’ll happen. What may come of it. Or not come of it. I know I’m completely avoiding saying what I want to say. Yet I don’t really wanna filter this from anyone. So I’m gonna bare it all without actually saying anything in specific. If that’s possible. Probably not.

I’m so tired of trying and getting no where. I feel like I fail at just about everything I do. Worse, I don’t like completely bomb out, fuck up, mess fail. More like just never complete nothing fail. Ya I know… that really made no sense. Strangely enough though it did to me. My mind is so full of shit right now. I just want to scream. Yet I’m insanely happy at the same time. How the fucks that possible? I wanna give up on one hand, and I wanna survive on the other. I wanna fight. I wanna love. I want it all.

I feel like I’m getting no where fast. Yet I’m going somewhere slow. Yes I know… but if I was just going no where at all then fine. I failed. But I am getting somewhere. Just not the way I want to. Just not fast enough. Not how I want it. I feel things I don’t necessarily want to feel. Or I want to feel more then anything in the world but am scared to feel. Not in a touchy feely way but a emotional way. I welcome the feelings. Yet I dread them all so much. I wish that they were returned. I wish I knew what the fuck I want. I wish I knew what the fuck I’m doing.

I’m so proud of myself in some ways. I’m doing so much better in some ways. But I feel like the more strides forward I take here. I go back there. It’s annoying. It’s frustrating. I know I need to make some changes. My problem is I’m trying to do way too much at once I think. And then I never quite get any of it done. I’m just trying to deal with everything at once. I’m listening to everyone else. But have I even considered listening to myself? No. Not once have I really tried to listen to myself and see what I want. What I need. I’m too busy concentrating on what everyone else says I should be/do/say/act/feel. But what about what I want to be/do/say/act/feel?

I know people have told me before that I need to take control. To take charge. But I’m so confused. It’s like… like there’s all these “things” floating out there in front of me. And I need to grab a hold of them each. Not a problem. I can get each one of them without any problems. They key is trying to get them all together. Get them all at once. And to hold onto them without one slipping or the other. I get a tighter grip on one only to have another slip. Eventually they’re just all gonna fall and then what?

How do I get them all? How do I make it work? How do I fix this myself. Do I rely on others? Some say I can’t do it alone. Others say I’m the only one who can do it… well for christ sake I have no fucking idea what the hell I’m doing. I’ve never felt so god damn lost in my life. And yet I know exactly where I belong. I’m not far. It’s just to get there. And stay there!

Where do I start? Where does it end? Where do I go from here? I know I have to answer those. And I will…. eventually.

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