yes i’m complaining again…

If your at all squeamish or you don’t want to know more then you bargained for then don’t read on. Just stop here and pretend that you never saw this and we’ll both feel better…

I don’t get it. The recent test results I got back said everything is fine. Now I’m back to square one again. Yeah! I don’t have RA like I’ve been told all this time. But then what the hell is the problem? Does everyone have pain all over their bodies so bad that they just don’t want to move some days. That they feel they’re going to die. Is this really all in my head like they used to say when I was younger? They kept telling me that when I kept complaining of pains in my side when I was 15. Kept saying nothings wrong with you. It’s all in your head. Your making it up for attention. Sure maybe. But then they changed their minds when I had a cyst on my ovaries so bad that it ruptured. Completely and irrevocable damaging that side of my ovaries. Now every time I ovulate on that side (for those of you who don’t remember sex ed it switches sides each time) I can feel it pass through scar tissue and it hurts so bad I miss days of work every few months. It’s so badly damaged that *if* I ever get pregnant with an egg from that side the chances of me carrying to full term are virtually none. My chances of getting pregnant at all are like 50% less then most girls my age. Sure if you don’t want to get pregnant that’s a good thing. And I don’t at the moment… but what about when I want too? Then what… all because some wise ass doctor decided I was trying to get attention…

So why do I have to go through this again? Why do I have to have pain in my muscles and joints so bad that it makes it impossible for me to sit up and walk and do things most people enjoy or need to do. Why do I get migraines that last for like 4 and 5 days at a time? Are they related? Why do people think it’s all a bid for attention. Why does the doctor look at me as if I’m crazy. The pain is real. I feel it. Doesn’t that count for something… If you know me in real life. If you have seen the look on my face when I’m in pain. Am I faking it? You tell me… Right now, the back of my neck and shoulders hurt so bad right now. I feel like I might just pass out. It burns. Deep down. Feels like someone is stabbing me. And it just runs up the back of my neck into my head. I don’t want to go back to the doctor. I don’t want to be looked at like that anymore. I don’t want to be told to take some ib profen and it’ll go away. It doesn’t… It’s not like I haven’t tried. But why constantly take something that doesn’t work.

If you don’t like the fact that I’m complaining… to bad. Go visit Google. I need to vent and this is the only way I know how. Or I would probably go insane. I’m not saying you think that. Maybe you don’t… maybe you do. I don’t really care. All I care right now is I hurt and the pain wont go away and there is no one here to take the pain away. I just want someone to take the pain away…

Edited @ 11:51PM: I started a second LJ so I could keep track of coming of the meds… _one_dayatatime

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